


Secrets, Stars and Aero Bars

by ThroneofMist



Series: Carry On, Simon [2]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Baz is kinda a badass, FOR MONTHS, He's just sad, He's not, Heavy Angst, M/M, POV Simon Snow, Penny helps Simon until she gets sick of hearing baz's name, Sad Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Simon is relentlessly obsessed with Baz, They're sixteen and bad with emotions, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Plotting, Watford (Simon Snow), trust me there's a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-10-07 09:06:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 27,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17363102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThroneofMist/pseuds/ThroneofMist
Summary: He looks grey (more grey than usual)He doesn't tease me as much anymore (he just laughs creepily)He's failing his classes (he actually doesn't even really turn up to class)And I found shrivelled up rats a couple of days ago (that's not a regular occurrence)I know he's plotting something. And I'm going to find out what he's up to. Even if I have to stake him with my fucking sword.





	1. Scones and Staring

SIMON

I know he's plotting something. He has to be. 

He's sneaking around more than usual. He's always laughing at me - more than usual. And he's acting all...mopey. It's seriously disturbing.

I'm starting to miss the annoying prat who used to eat salt and vinegar Walkers on his bed when he thought I was asleep, or took the piss out of me when I missed the ball on the football pitch.

Now he just acts depressed. And his skin's like super grey. It's fucking _weird_. And since I wait for him to come back every night, my sleep schedule is seriously fucked.

I try and tell Penny and Agatha all of this at breakfast, but Agatha just ignores me and Penny keeps trying to come up with excuses. She calls them explanations.

"But he comes back to the room at midnight every night," I protest as I slather strawberry jam onto my scone (cherry, of course.)

"Well, there's no way he's outside of the Inner Gates because he would get locked out," Penny says but she sounds bored. She's not even looking at me, she's just reading. "The drawbridges shuts at midnight."

"Maybe him and his friends go out," Agatha suggests as she stirs her tea. "There's a club in town, I've seen Baz and Dev there a couple of times," she adds, looking at us both with wide eyes. Penny sighs. Agatha's been trying to get us to go out for a while now. She says we have no social life. Which isn't true. I have plenty of friends, I would just rather stay in and watch Netflix with Penny on her phone. (I still can't believe she managed to sneak it in. This year the Mage put a ban on mobile devices. But Penny doesn't really give a fuck about what the Mage says. Which I think is unfair. He's kept us safe for this long.)

"He smokes now," I add, ignoring the way Agatha rolls her eyes when I mention Baz again. "Did you know that? He's flammable. And he _smokes_."

"Simon," Agatha starts, tossing her long hair over her shoulders, "I love you, really. But no one cares about Baz." I start to object but Penny interrupts me.

"I mean, it is interesting, in a _way_. And I don't think we should rule out the vampire possibility. We know vampires are real and they attacked Watford at the same time Baz's mum was headmistress." I grin at Penny and nod eagerly.

"See, Agatha. Penny believes me," I say, frowning slightly when Agatha rolls her eyes again. She rarely rolls her eyes, since it's so 'unbecoming' (like her mum says), so I know this conversation must be really annoying her.

"I didn't say I _believed_ you," Penny cuts in as she flicks through the pages of the book open in front of her.

"Well, I hate to miss out on this thrilling conversation but I have to go to practise," Agatha says before she grabs her lacrosse stick from where she dropped it under the table.

"Wait," I say before she walks off. "I'll go out with you tonight. If you want." I add because she's staring at me weirdly.

"You never want to go out with me," she says warily. She always ends up going out with her other friends. They all get dressed up in short skirts and do their hair and then go dance for half the time they spent getting ready. It all seems a little pointless to me. I just shrug in response. "Go out as in like a date?" she asks, tilting her head at me.

"I mean, yeah. Sure," I nod. "Like a date." I didn't really mean it as in like a date, I just want to check if maybe Baz is just going out to this club instead. But if it gets me in Agatha's good books, that's a plus.

"Okay," she smiles brightly and suddenly I feel a bit bad because she looks so happy that I offered. Maybe I should start offering more. Agatha leans over the table and kisses my cheek before she waves goodbye and starts to walk towards the door. I swear as she walks down the hall, everyone stares. I don't blame them. Agatha is beautiful. Her long white hair flows behind her as she walks gracefully, her pale, milky arms swaying slightly as she leans her stick against her shoulder. 

"You are not going to get served," Penny snorts, looking up at me with a smirk on her face. I blink and look away as Agatha slips through the door, crinkling my nose at Penny.

"Yeah I will." I say as I grab another scone. "I look eighteen."

"No you don't, Simon," Penny shakes her head. 

"You wanna come?" I ask as I scrape the last of the butter onto my scone. It melts into it and I decide to skip the jam and just start shovelling it into my mouth.

"I thought this was a 'date' thing?" Penny arches an eyebrow at me as she sips her coffee. I don't say anything, just make a sort of _hurumph_ sound. Penny doesn't say anything else, just turns back to her book as she eats her cereal, so I'm going to take that as a no. I sigh and start to look around the hall. Rhys and Will are down at the bottom of our table so when I make eye contact with the, I wave and they nod in response. I push my tongue into my cheek as I search the room for Baz. As I search fro the reason I only got six hours of sleep last night. When I finally find him, on the other side of the room, I watch him talk to Niall for a minute. Then someone turns up behind them and taps Niall on the shoulder, so he turns away from Baz. Who looks at me instead. When he sees me watching him he sneers, his grey eyes narrowed and jaw clenched. I just keep staring before I scowl and turn back to Penny. 

I didn't even realise she was watching me stare at Baz. 

"So what are you going to do about it then?" Penny asks, a hint of amusement in her voice.

"What am I going to do about what?" I ask as I chew my scone. Penny crinkles her nose.

"Don't talk with your mouth open Simon, Crowley," she shakes her head when I just grin at her. "What are you going to do about Operation Vampire?"

"Operation Vampire," I repeat, my eyes sliding back to Baz, but he's not at the table anymore. I scan the room quickly and find him striding towards the door, fists clenched. He's wearing a green jumper, and it really shows how pale he is. I swear to Merlin he's paler than last year. Maybe he's ill. Or maybe he hasn't sucked on anyone's neck for a while.

"Find out what he's plotting," I say as I fidget with the cross around my neck. "And then stop him."


	2. Cigarettes and Clubs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're a dick."
> 
> "I am aware."

SIMON

I'm waiting for Agatha outside the Cloisters when I see them. I'm leaning against the wall and debating whether to smash my head against the bricks or to jump into the moat because seriously, what was I thinking? I don't think I can handle hanging out with Agatha for a whole night. Which makes me sound like a dick. Maybe I am. But I really don't know if I'll survive tonight. I sigh and rake my fingers through my hair when I hear snickering and snorting.

I look up and instantly frown when my eyes fall on Baz, Dev and Niall walking towards the gates. Niall's arms are thrown over the other two's shoulders, except Niall's a lot smaller than Baz and Dev, so he's kinda dangling in-between them.

They don't necessarily look like they're going out. They're just wearing jeans and sweaters. Crowley, my throat bobs. I don't think I've ever seen Baz wear jeans. _Ever_. And I've lived with him for four years. I watch from the shadows as the three of them walk towards the moat, laughing together. Dev and Niall are the only people I've seen Baz laugh with. I mean, he laughs _at me_ , but I don't think that counts. 

I tap my fingers impatiently on my neck as I watch them get smaller and smaller. Maybe Baz really just is going out every night and getting drunk instead of sucking people's blood. But I doubt it.

I flinch slightly when Agatha pushes open the door to the Cloisters, slipping out before she shuts it softly behind her. I wonder how much longer we'll be allowed out at night now that the Mage's banned phones. Ever since Watford's existed, when the students turn sixteen they've been allowed to go out of Watford whenever they want (well, before the drawbridge closes) but I don't know, the Mage's been changing a lot of old rules recently. They're for the better, I trust him in that. But people like Baz and Penny don't seem to trust the Mage like I do. I think even Agatha thinks he's a bit weird. 

"Hello," she smiles, tilting her head as she slips her hand into mine. "This'll be fun," she says and I feel slightly guilty because she sounds so pleased. I just nod, because Baz, Niall and Dev might already be there by now, so we should really get a move on. Baz might've already killed a villager now. I can see it perfectly. He'd be at the club with Dev and Niall, see a girl in the crowd that looks nice, drink and dance with her until she trusts him, then bam...she's dead, blood pooling from her neck.

"Simon?" Agatha's voice pulls me out of my daydream. 

"Sorry, what?" I ask, awkwardly scratching the back of my neck.

"You sort of drifted off," she says tentatively, arching an eyebrow. 

"Should... should we go, then?" I ask quickly as I tug at her hand, ignoring what she said. If I tell Agatha the real reason I'm going to this club with her, she'd never come with me. She smiles, obviously mistaking my anxiousness for enthusiasm. She nods before we start following Baz and his friends. Agatha's hand feeling heavy in mine.

 

*

 

I hate it here. Why would anyone want to come here? Willingly?

I stand, bobbing slightly to the thudding sound of The Fratellis as Agatha dances, her blonde hair waving. "C'mon Si," she laughs as she holds my hands and tries to get me to get me to move. "Dance with me," she giggles. I just nod and try and move a bit more even though I'm actually scanning the crowd for the dangerous vampire that may kill us all. 

"You look really pretty tonight," I tell Agatha as she dances elegantly. She smiles up at me and I suddenly feel ashamed that I didn't tell her that two hours ago. She does look very pretty (she's put her hair up in a half up, half down type thing, and she's wearing a black denim skirt with a pink top, that doesn't really cover much - but Agatha can wear whatever she wants, it's not up to me) but I guess I just didn't notice earlier. Other guys have though. When we walked in some guy asked her for her number, and another asked if she was going home alone tonight. I was shocked at the way they said it so casually but Agatha just shook her head before she continued tugging me towards the bar. Where, somehow, she managed to get served. 

"Do you want another drink?" Agatha asks me. I shake my head and hold up the drink that I've not even started yet. "I'm going to go get you another drink," she says anyway, pressing a kiss against my cheek before she wanders off into the sea of dancing and shouting people. Maybe I should go after her, I think as I push my tongue into my cheek. Then my eyes fall on someone glaring at me from across the room and Agatha vanishes from my mind. 

When Baz sees me watching him back he smirks slightly before he takes a swig from the bottle of beer in his hand. He looks incredibly out of place with his posh jumper and expensive jeans. No, let me correct that, he looks like a fucking prick, and he knows it. He's standing against the wall, ankles crossed and head high as he literally looks down at everyone. I don’t know he does it. I don't know how any one could have that much ruthless confidence. Maybe it’s a thing he learned when he was younger. Or maybe he was just born a prick, but he always looks above everything. Like no one deserves to be in his fucking presence.

He’s looking at the bodies pressed together, the sea of singing and dancing people, the girls that all look identical doing shots, (illegally - everyone in this room is defiently sixteen) and he just doesn't care. At all. I watch as he watches me, the red party lights highlighting his face as he cocks his head, almost fucking daring me to do something. I can see it in his grey eyes - _c'mon Snow, show me what you've got. Prove it. Show us all how_ powerful _the Chosen One really is._

I keep watching him until Agatha turns up, hands empty. Guess she forgot the drinks. "Can we dance now?" she asks, tilting her head up to grin at me. She's so pissed. I'm going to have to fucking carry her back. I'm about to suggest maybe leaving when my eyes slide back to Baz's. He's still watching me, but now his eyes are skipping between me and Agatha, his face a cast of cold amusement. "I have a better idea," I say quickly, looking down at Agatha who's grinning widely, showing off her perfect white teeth. Her perfect, non-vampire, normal teeth.

"Oh?" she asks before I chug the drink in my hand and drop it on the bar beside us, ignoring the sick feeling in my gut as I pull Agatha towards me and press my lips down to hers. She instantly kisses me back, no hesitation. Her fingers are in my hair and mine are around her waist, my back against the wall. Kissing Agatha is nice. Kissing Agatha is normal. My default setting. Kissing Agatha feels like a homecoming. Like no matter how long I'm away from Watford, Agatha will always be there. For me. For us.

But as I kiss her, I can still feel his fucking eyes on me.

As I open up my mouth more and kiss her passionately, I open my eyes slightly and watch Baz from across the room. He doesn't look cool or regal anymore. He looks fucking _pissed_.

He's unfolded his arms and he's standing straight, his eyes narrowed. He looks like he wants to kill me. Probably because I'm kissing Agatha. I'm pretty sure he's in love with her. But he can go fuck himself. Agatha loves me.

I keep my eye on Baz, and he keeps his on me, as I kiss Agatha, her hand flat against my chest. Then, when the song changes, he scowls and shakes his head before he walks off. I can hear the door slam from where I'm standing. Fuck. Shitting fuck.

I pull away from Agatha and quickly apologise before I stutter that I have to go check something. Then I'm running after Baz. I push open the door and I'm instantly hit with the cold wind. Winter time here is fucking brutal. I hug my arms to my chest as I swallow nervously.

I turn to the side to see Baz leaning against the wall, jaw clenched as he lights a fag with his wand. What a fucking show off. "Thought you were flammable," I say, running my tongue over my teeth as Baz whips his head towards me.

"Pretty sure everyone's flammable, Snow," he shrugs, blowing the smoke to the side. "Wanna try?" he asks, eyebrows arched as he holds out the cigarette to me. I shake my head, eyes wide. What the fuck is he doing? "What are you doing here then, Snow?" he asks, cocking his head. He's so fucking patronising. "Why is the _Chosen One_ at a sleazy club in town at..." he makes a point of pulling his level to look at his watch. "eleven forty-six on a Thursday evening? Don't you have Chemistry first thing tomorrow?" he asks.

"Yes," I hiss, folding my arms. " _Why_?" 

"Oh, nothing," he shrugs nonchalantly, but I can see the smirk on the tips of his lips. "I just heard you were failing that class. Wouldn't want our chosen one to fail, would we?"

"I heard you were failing all of your classes now too," I narrow my eyes as I frown. What a fucking prick.

"Yes," he admits, blowing out smoke as he sighs dramatically. "But that's due to neglect and not giving a fuck. Not to pure stupidness."

"You're a dick," I scowl.

"I am aware," he nods, throwing the cigarette on the ground before he crushes it with his shoes. "Now, back to my original question, Snow. The fuck are you doing here?"

"I know you're up to something," I say quickly, taking a step towards him. He just looks down at me as if this whole situation is amusing to him. He actually looks almost bored. He won't look bored when I find some evidence that he's a fucking monster and manage to get everyone to believe me. When I get him expelled. "And I will find out. If you're plotting, or killing people or-"

"Okay Snow," he nods. "I get it. You're on my case." He shivers dramatically, grinning to himself. "I'm positively _terrified_." I'm about to object, or say something witty, (although I very rarely have witty things to say) when Baz pushes himself up off of the wall and rakes a hand through his hair. "But I think it would be best for you to scurry back off to Wellbelove. We don't want her worrying about her Prince Charming, do we?" He doesn't even give me a chance to respond, just pats me on the shoulder before he starts to walk off on his own, towards the village centre. Which is in the opposite direction of Watford. 

I stay outside, helplessly watching him as he disappears, frustration bursting through out my body. Then I kick the bins before I walk back inside, gritting my teeth. I can't fucking wait to see his face when I finally catch him. What a fucking tosser.


	3. Sabrina and Staring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’ve been shouting that Baz is a vampire for five years now.”

SIMON

“Guess who fainted in Latin today?” Agatha says as she walks over to me and Penny. She looks proper fit today. Her long hair’s been pulled back into a long plait that falls against her back and somehow she’s managed to get daisies in there and I can’t tell if they’re real or fake. Agatha manages to make the _Watford_ uniform look nice. And the Watford uniform is red, green and purple. 

I try and spell, “ ** _Bob’s your uncle,”_**  at the mess on our table. It doesn’t do anything. The books stay disorganised, the small puddle of orange squash stays dripping off of the surface and my pencils and Penny’s fountain pen stays dripping with ink. I look around the room, awkwardly scratching the back of my neck but no one in the common room's watching me fail miserably. I grip my wand tightly before I frown at the shit on the table. “This spell’s for cleaning, right?” I ask them both, but they ignore me. 

“Who?” Penny asks as Agatha sits down next to her on the couch. I sigh before I turn back to the mess, wand held out. Agatha may be kind, nurturing and overall pretty fucking amazing, but she likes gossip. A lot. At least once a day I have to pretend to be interested in who's kissing who or which boys scraped or which girls are fighting. It's pretty exhausting to keep up with. I don't know how Agatha does it.

"Baz," Agatha says, eyes bright.

"Wait, what?" I ask, spinning around so quick I trip over my feet. "He _fainted_? In Latin?"

"Baz?" Penny asks, eyes wide. Agatha nods as I sit down next to her, slipping my wand into my pocket. "What happened?"

"I was sitting next to him, since I'm at a desk with Sarah." I don't even realise I let out a small growl until Penny arches an eyebrow at me and Agatha slips her hand into mine. "I didn't choose to sit next to him, Si. I was already sitting with Sarah and Baz came in late. There was only one seat left." I just nod, biting my lip as a I look away sheepishly. 

"I trust you, Agatha," I say as she laces her fingers through mine. She looks up at me from under her eyelashes and smiles softly and fuck me, if it isn't like I'm actually staring at a goddess. "I don't trust _him_. He's so obviously in love with you and he's a-"

"Your stupid high school drama and insignificant love triangle doesn't matter right now," Penny rolls her eyes when me and Agatha turn to look at her. "Tell us what happened, Agatha." 

"Well, he sat down next to me and I went to smile at him but he was just staring off into space, kinda looking a bit sad. He stayed like that for the rest of the period but then Sarah cut her finger on scissors when we were cutting the verb tables out, and Baz," she shivers, looking up at me with wide eyes. "It was crazy. His head snapped towards us and his eyes went all funny and narrow. I was going to ask if he was okay when he like, jumped up. His chair literally toppled over he stood so fast. And Mr Bavmorda was saying his name but Baz was just...staring at Sarah's finger. Then he blinked really slowly and just like, fell over."

"Woah," Penny says, pushing her tongue into her cheek. “That’s never happened before,” she says as she thrills a long strand of brown hair around her finger.

"Vampire," I say, nodding my head. "I knew it all along."

"Told you I could help you two with your little investigation," Agatha grins. I squeeze her hand. 

"Maybe he just doesn't like blood?" Penny suggests. “Maybe Sarah’s blood just scared him.”

"Or maybe he hasn't drank any in a while," I say, grinning brightly. "We just need proof now."

"I'm sorry," Agatha says, leaning back into the couch. "But I find it very hard to believe that Baz is a vampire." I shush her, looking around the room. The majority of the people in the room aren't watching us but there are two girls that look away and giggle when I meet their gaze. "What?" she asks, arching an eyebrow. 

“Don’t shout it,” I say through gritted teeth.

“Simon,” Agatha rolls her eyes, flipping her long plait over her shoulder. “You’ve been shouting that Baz is a vampire for five years now.”

I frown and go to protest when Penny interrupts and the two of them start to talk, forgetting that I’m sitting right next to them. Their voices slowly begin to fade into the background as I tune out and slouch down into the couch. I have no idea how I'm going to get Baz. I could relentlessly stalk him until he slips up, but that might take a while; Baz never really slips up. I could get some blood and wave it in his face. But I have no idea where I'm gonna get blood from. And blood's kinda manky anyway. 

"Simon." Penny's voice snaps me out of my reverie. I turn to her, blinking when I realise that Agatha's disappeared. "You can't just scowl at the mess," she smiles, before she points her ring at my mess on the table and spells, “ ** _Bob’s your uncle.”_**

It works, of course. I watch, running my tongue over my teeth, as the pen slides into Penny’s pencil case, the juice is wiped away from the table and the books neatly stack up into an orderly pile.

I groan and fall back into the couch, arms spread out and feet on the now tidy table. “Just practise,” Penny says, like she’s been telling me for five years now. “You’ll get it soon,” she says and I can tell she’s trying her hardest not to be condescending. If only it was that easy. 

*

 

He doesn't look necessarily dead, I think as I watch Baz from the back of the Greek classroom. He looks shit (messy hair, bags tattooed under his eyes, tie missing, face gaunt) but he doesn't look dead. Are vampires dead? Or are they the undead? I narrow my eyes at him as he leans his head in his arms, plainly not listening to the Minotaur as he writes lists of greek tenses. I guess he doesn't need to listen, I'm pretty sure he's fluent in Greek. And French. And Latin. Fucking prick. 

I watch as he taps his pen on the desk, blowing a strand of black hair out of his face. Holly Williams and AoifeLaurens are sitting next to him and he doesn't even realise that they're both staring at him. Or maybe he does and he just doesn't care. No, Baz always cares about girls liking him. Especially Agatha. I would know.

Actually, I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend, I think as I watch Holly and Aoife giggle and tuck their hair behind their ears. No, he's too good looking to not have a girlfriend. Sixteen-year-old guys that look like Baz don't _not_ have girlfriends. Maybe his girlfriend lives near his posh mansion. Maybe she has a posh mansion. Maybe she's a Normal. No, Baz would never date a Normal. Unless she was a rich, pretty duchess or something. That's just like Baz to date a fucking duchess. I bet her name's Sabrina Elizabeth Henrietta the sixth. Or maybe Clementine. Or Rosemary. Or maybe I'm just hungry. 

I bet Baz goes home in the summer to his castle and stays with his duchess girlfriend, Clementine. I go to scowl at him when I realise that he's staring at me. His grey eyes are narrowed, his eyebrow is arched and he's smirking at me. I frown and look down at my jotter, praying to Merlin that my face isn't red, even though I can feel the heat in my cheeks. I only look back up at him when I'm sure he's not watching me.

I watch, forward on my seat and arms on my desk, as he smirks at Holly. She smiles shyly, self-consciously tugging at a strand of black hair as Baz whispers to her, arm on the back of her chair. I bite the inside of my cheek as I tear my gaze away from them and instead stare desperately at the clock, watching the second hand click away too slowly. I find my eyes slowly finding their way back to Baz as the Minotaur continues to drone on about verbs. He's still talking to Holly, but he seems disinterested. I watch as she smiles prettily, awkwardly twirling her fountain pen in her fingers.

Holly's pretty. She naturally has an afro but she straightens it most of the time and pulls it into two long plaits that run down her back. Her dark eyes complement her dark skin and she always wears red lipstick. I had a small crush on her in my first year, before I started falling for Agatha. I guess that's why a strand of anger and jealousy unfurls in my gut as I watch the two of them smile at each other. I should probably warn her that Baz could bite her neck at literally any point in time. 

I sigh and look back to the clock, bouncing my legs under the desk. When the bell finally goes, I jump from my seat and grab my satchel, swinging it over my shoulder. The whole time I'm walking out of class I am fully aware of Baz's gaze on me. Wish the dick had just fainted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while lads, I'm in the middle of my prelims - ago. Anyway, hope you liked this chapter. Also I was thinking of trying to start requests. So if you have any head-cannons or AUs or short story ideas you want me to write, leave them in the comments :)
> 
> Kudos and feedback is also very much appreciated :)


	4. Fire and Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the hell does Baz have anything to do with this? Why are you constantly bringing Baz up?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a Baz pov ;)

BAZ

Simon Snow may be the Chosen One; the boy that'll save the World of Mages; the Mage's Heir, but he's an idiot. A stupid fucking idiot.

I can't tell if he knows that _I_ _know_ he's scowling at me, or if he just doesn't care. But I wish he would stop. I can’t concentrate when I can feel his eyes on me.

Crowley. I want rid of him. Now.

I can’t handle the way he makes me feel or the things he makes me think. I wish he’d die. Or that I could just kill him. Or that he’d kill me. I just want this to be over.

Snow’s blue eyes are frowning and his jaw is clenched as he stands at the side of the hall, arms folded as he ignores the group of boys talking beside him. Fucking tosser. I just scowl back at him from across the gym hall before I turn back to Niall.

"Snow's staring at you," Niall says, smirking at Snow. Niall snickers when Snow frowns, his face scrunching up into a cast of annoyance as he turns away and starts talking to the guys next to him.

"I'm aware," I sigh as I bounce the tennis ball on my foot before I throw it over to him. 

"Maybe something's up," Niall says, raking his fingers through his red hair. "Maybe him and his Mage have something planned?" He cocks his head as he serves the ball back to me. I shrug as I shake the hair out of my face.

"Well, either I'm going to die," I clench my jaw as I slam the ball into the back of his court. "Or he is," I trail off as I look down at the ground, throat bobbing. Niall grins, mistaking my despondency for excitement. 

"Well," Niall smirks, looking around to watch Snow do push-ups with a look of restlessness on his face. "Looking at his test scores, and his shitty attempt at magic," he turns back to me, face red as he shifts his weight from foot to foot, clutching his racquet. "You haven't got anything to worry about."

I just make a sigh that sounds like hurumph before I let my eyes slide to Snow. He may be a stupid, fucking idiot, but he is a fit, stupid, fucking idiot. I watch, tongue pushed into my cheek as he starts doing push-ups, his arms straining. Snow isn't muscular, (or even remotely athletic, I can actually count his ribs when his t-shirt rides up) but his slim figure is for some reason very attractive. 

Fuck. I guess I just like skinny, golden boys that are incredibly dim. Boys that have girlfriends. Shining knights with fucking princesses to save. Seriously, fuck my entire shitting life.

"I'm gonna go get changed," I tell Niall, chucking him my racquet. He rolls his eyes as he awkwardly catches it in his arms before he looks at the clock. “It’s only one,” he says, eyebrows arched. “This period doesn’t finish for fifteen minutes.”

“I don’t care,” I shrug, shooting him a grin that I hope is confident and nonchalant, before I walk out of the class when Coach has his back to me. I highly doubt Coach would care about me skiving class anyway, he gave up trying to get me to show up to practise a month ago.

I shoot Niall a smirk before I walk out, hands in my shorts pockets. He just gives me the finger before he goes back to hitting the tennis ball against the wall.

After I get changed back into my uniform, I run my fingers along the lockers, clicking my tongue. I light a cigarette with my wand and let it dangle in my fingers. I turn the corner, hand tapping the wall before I realise I’m in the wrong corridor. I go to turn back when my eyes fall on the portraits of the former headmasters hanging on the wall.

I freeze, my throat bobbing when I see the painting of my mother. My breathing gets deeper and I keep staring at the painting, stomach clenching painfully. Her grey eyes, _my_ _eyes_ , stare down at me. Her olive skin, the skin that I should have, glows in the painting. Her long black hair tumbles down her red robes. She looks down at me and even though it’s just a painting and I know it’s just a painting, my throat chokes up.

Because I know what she would say if she was alive.

I can almost see the disappointment and shame that would be in her eyes. 

Because her son is a monster. Everyone thinks so. Crowley, if I haven’t heard Snow say it once a day for five years. 

As if I didn’t know. As if a monster wouldn’t realise they’re a monster.

I should have gone up in flames. Not my mother. Me.

I look down at the lit cigarette hanging loosely in my fingers before I look back up at the painting of my mother.

It should’ve been me. 

 

SIMON

I pull away from Agatha when the bell goes but my fingers linger on her face. Her back’s against the wall, and my hands are spread out on the wall, on either side of her head. She smiles lightly, biting the bottom of her lip as she laces her fingers through mine.

I go to press my lips against hers again but she ducks, pushing pale fingers against my lips. “We’re going to be late to class,” she breathes, curling a strand of my hair around her finger. I shake my head sleeplily, a bright grin plastered on my face. I can’t help grinning when I’m around Agatha. “Don’t care,” I smirk, licking my lips. I can taste her cherry lip gloss on my own lips. 

“You have Chemistry,” she arches an eyebrow. And instantly the moment is gone.

I drop my hands from beside her and shoulder my bag. “Agatha,” I start, but she interrupts me. I’m beginning to Agatha interrupts me at least half of the time. And I’m beginning to realise that I don’t really like when she does it.

“Do you really want to fail Chemistry?” she asks, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before she looks up at me from under her eyelashes. She’s so beautiful. But she’s kinda being a dick right now. “Why are you making that face?” she asks, tapping her fingers on my chest. I let my eyes shut lightly, biting the inside of my lips.

“‘Cause you need to stop trying to control me, Agatha,” I breathe. 

“What the fuck?” she says, snatching her hand back from me. As if I’m burning her.

It kinda feels like that. Like we’re both aflame all the time. And when we’re together, it’s either really good and electric and amazing or it’s...it’s not. It’s the opposite. It’s like we don’t work. Agatha is my light and she brightens up my... _everything._ But sometimes it’s  _blinding._ Most of the time it’s blinding me _._ And I can’t see.

“I’m not trying to control you,” she hisses. I expected her to maybe be a bit hurt after I said that. I did not expect her to be fucking pissed off. _I’m_ the one who’s pissed off. 

“But you are,” I protest. “At least s’what I think and-”

“I’ve never once tried to _controlled_ you, Simon!” she objects. Interrupting me again. I try to keep my breathing steady and my hands at my side.

“All the chemistry stuff, and the stuff with the Mage and with Baz-”

“With _Baz_?” she frowns, shouldering her bag as she flips her hair over her shoulder. “What the hell does Baz have anything to do with this? Why are you constantly bringing Baz up?” 

“What-nothing- I just-” I keep cutting myself off, each word slipping and tripping me up. _Use_ _your_ _words_ , _Simon_ , I hear echoing painfully in my head.

“I may be controlling,” Agatha frowns as she steps around me. “But at least I’m not fucking obsessed with someone like you are, Simon. It’s fucking weird. Get over it. Baz isn’t doing anything. He’s not going to kill you. He’s just a teenage boy that has a superiority complex and who knows how to piss you off.” 

I don’t say anything back. I just stand there, hands shoved into my trouser pockets. Becuase I don’t know what to say to that. 

“And you’re just a prick with no sense of emotion or social skills,” Agatha scowls before she walks off, heels clicking on the floor. I can hear her murmuring a slur of swears as she walks off, arms folded. Agatha never really swears.

“Agatha, wait,” I shout. But I only call her name once I’ve seen her turn the corner.

 

*

 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I groan. The corridor I need to walk down to get to Chemistry is blocked off for some reason. The doors are locked and there’s a piece of paper with No Entry scrawled on it. And I’m already twenty minutes late to class.

Fuck this.

I’m in a pissy mood, I’m late to class, I’m pretty sure me and Agatha just broke up, and my head is pounding. I pull my wand out and go to spell the door open when someone behind me says, “I don’t think you’re allowed to do that.”

I turn to see a first year girl standing there, looking up at me with wide eyes. “You’re probably right,” I nod, sliding my wand back into my pocket, thing not to let anger slip into my voice. This tweave year old girl hasn’t done anything wrong. She smiles lightly and goes to turn down the corridor and I keep standing at the door, ready to grab my wand out as sooon as she disappears when I say, “Hey, do you know why it’s blocked off?” Lots of the school gets blocked off during exam season but that’s not for another four months. 

“Someone vandalised Headmistress Pitch’s portrait,” she squeaks, fidgeting with her jumper sleeve. 

“Really?” I ask, eyes wide. _Fuck_. Someone vandalised _Headmistress_ _Pitch’s_ portrait. Whoever did it has definitely been either expelled or viciously murdered by a vampire. “How?” I ask, trying to peek through the door. It’s sealed completely shut. 

“I heard that someone burned it yesterday. Like properly set it on fire,” she says. “Don’t know if it’s true though,” she shrugs. I nod before I’m running past her and back down the corridor. “Nice to meet you, Simon,” she calls. I stopped being weirded out by everyone knowing me a couple of years ago. I just wave back as I continue running.

Fuck Chemistry. Penny has a free period now, I’ve just got to find her. 

 _Fire_.

Someone burned Baz’s mum’s portrait with fire. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prelims are over, which means more Snowbaz :) 
> 
> If you have any requests for stories or AUs or head cannons remember to leave them in the comments!
> 
> Feedback is also appreciated x


	5. Angst and Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fucking kill me.”

SIMON

I sprint through the courtyard, the harsh wind against me as I shoulder my satchel. Someone burned Headmistress Pitch's portrait. Fire. Baz. Vampire. Mum. _Baz_. It's got to be connected. This has to be something. Me and Penny have been following Baz around for two months now and we've not found anything. We've just been playing cat and mouse in the catacombs. But this...this has to be something. It's gotta be. 

I turn a sharp corner and sprint up the stairs to the fifth-year common room. Please, please let Penny be in here, I pray as I lightly push the door open. But she's not. I push my tongue into my cheek as I look around the room for her dark hair up in a bun and her round glasses. But Penny is definitely not here. I sigh as I fall onto the couch, dropping my bag onto the floor. Where is she? She has a free period. I guess she could be in her room. But Penny hates her room.

I groan as I lean back into the couch, looking around the room. There's a huddle of girls sitting on the floor next to the fire, there's two boys sitting at the card table and there's a couple on the window seat. The girl's got brown hair, shoved up into a bun, and glasses on the top of her head. The guy's got blonde hair that's sticking up and he's practically sitting in her lap. "Read to me?" he asks, a smirk on his face. She smiles back. 

I look away, feeling like I'm invading their privacy. And then I remember Agatha. I should probably go apologise. But she has class. I'll do it later. I'll just stay here until Penny shows up. I pull the book on malevolent creatures out from my bag and lie it on my lap. I guess I'll get a head start on Operation Vampire. 

"Simon!" Forty minutes later the number of people in the common room doubles. I look up and grin when I see Penny walk in amongst all the chattering and smiling people. 

"Pen," I say quickly as she sits down next to me. "You'll never believe what happened."

"I already heard," she says, frowning lightly.

"You did?" I ask, cocking my head. "Okay, well. What do you think, then? It all has to be connected, right? Wait, how did you find out? Who told you?" Penny defiantly didn't know about Baz's mum this morning during breakfast. She was just worried about her Greek vocal test that she hadn't prepared for. Even though Penny doesn't need to prepare for tests.

"Eleanor heard you two fighting in the corridor and told me in class. So are you two really over?" She bites the inside of her lip. "Because I don't want us all to stop being friends now that you two are-"

"Wait," I stop her, shutting the book in my hands and letting it drop to my side. "What are you talking about?"

"You and Agatha?" Penny says, frowning. Oh shit. Me and Agatha. "What are you talking about?"

"Baz's mum's portrait," I say, scratching the back of my neck. I'm only now realising that maybe Agatha should've been a higher priority right now.

"But you and Agatha did just break up, right?" Penny asks, eyebrow arched.

"What? No," I shake my head. "We didn't break up. We just had a small fight." At least I think so. Penny just says, oh, before she leans back into the couch, looking at me suspiciously. "But the Baz think is more important. More pressing."

"Operation Vampire," Penny says softly, as if she doesn’t really care about this. Which is stupid, becuase me and Penny have been following Baz around at night for months now. She has to care.

“Operation Vampire,” I nod eagerly. “So, someone burned Headmistress Pitch’s portrait. Surely that’s got to mean something.” When Penny doesn’t say anything, I continue. “It’s all too much of a coincidence, the fire and Baz and-”

“Si,” Penny says, placing her hand on my shoulder. “Are you sure this is what you want to be talking about right now? I mean, you and your girlfriend just broke up.”

“We didn’t break up,” I object. “And the World of Mages doesn’t rely on me and Agatha being together. But it relies on this.”

“It relies on your obsession with Baz?” Penny sighs before she sits up. “Simon, I don’t think this is okay anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask, raking my hand through my hair. “He’s a-”

“Simon. You’re my best friend. And I’ve relentlessly stalked Baz with you through the catacombs for two months now. And it’s like we’re playing a useless game of tig with him.” She looks at me like I’m supposed to say something.

“So?”

“So I’m tired. We’ve been chasing Baz around instead of sleeping. We have bigger things to worry about. And you have Agatha to worry about. Maybe it’s time to let this Baz stuff go,” she suggests, folding her arms.

”We can’t!” I shake my head, leaping to my feet. “Not when I’m this close.” I grab my blazer from the armrest and shove the book into my bag before I pull it over my shoulder.

“Close to what, Si. We barely have any evidence!”

“The blood on his shirt cuffs. Him coming back to our room at midnight. The dead rats. The seeing in the dark!”

“That’s not evidence though, Simon,” Penny says, plead dripping into her tone. 

“You can drop out,” I say, throat bobbing. I half expect her to shake her head and to come with me, but she stays sitting in the couch, arms folded. “But I’m not stopping.”

I grit my teeth as I walk out of the common room and walk down the stairs, fingers tapping on the railings. I’m not stopping. Not when I’m this close to figuring out why Baz has been drooping around like a depressed lunatic. Not when I’m this close to finally proving what he is. 

 

*

 

I’ve been sitting on this damn bench for an hour before Baz shows up. I stay seated, hand gripped around the wooden planks as I watch him walk towards the drawbridge. He’s still wearing his uniform, so he’s not going out. And he’s alone. He’s walking pretty slowly, hands slung in his trouser pockets as he walks, like the tossed he is. He shakes his head, his dark hair waving in the light wind. Baz is too fucking good looking than anyone our age has the right to be.

When his back’s to me, I push myself up off of the bench and start to follow him. He’s walking infuriatingly slow, which means I have to walk slowly so he doesn’t catch me. Normally Baz’s a fast walker. I shiver under my blazer as I shove my hands into my pockets. I should’ve brought a jacket. If penny had come with me she would’ve reminded me. But I think Penny might be upset with me right now.

I sigh out, watching as my breath turns to pale mist in the air. It’s cold. And it’s dark. And there’s only half an hour until curfew and the drawbridge closes. I follow Baz as he walks over the bridge, his long, pale fingers tracing the railing. He’s going to the Wavering Woods, I realise when we turn towards the football pitch. Why is he going there? Probably to kill the nymphs that live there. The dick.

 

BAZ

I let Snow follow me until we reach the start of the woods. He’s come all this way, I might aswell entertain him. “Are you coming with me, Snow?” I turn to face him, smiling when he widens his eyes. Yes Snow, you were being very sneaky. “I wasn’t aware that I had invited you.”

He shrugs, running his tongue over his teeth. “What are you doing?” he asks, cocking his head.

“Going for a little midnight stroll,” I shrug, a smirk on my lips. He just scowls. “What about you, Snow? Avoiding Wellbelove? I heard you and Agatha had a little lovers’ tiff.”

“You’re not allowed to say her name,” he says suddenly. He’s pissed. And I don’t think it’s necessarily at me. Of course, Snow is always annoyed at me. “Don’t fucking speak about her or to her,” Snow spits, drawing his wand from his pocket. 

“Or what?” I hiss. “Are you going to finally end me, Snow?” He doesn’t reply. Just stands there, wand out, jaw clenched, looking infuriatingly attractive. “C’mon then. Fucking do it. It’s not that hard. Just say the words, Snow. And I’ll finally be gone. It’ll finally be over.” I wonder if he can hear the plea in my voice. “Fucking end it,” I shout. Pleading. Please, Snow. Just do it already.

He watches me warily, his blue eyes scanning me. His grip on his wand tightens. “Fucking kill me!” I shout, the wind blowing my hair out of my face. “Kill me,” I breathe, the wind carrying my words away. Please, Snow, I silently beg. Just make it stop.

His throat bobs and he lowers his wand, his hand dangling at his side. “You don’t deserve it. You can live the rest of your miserable life out as the monster you are,” he says before he turns.

I wonder if he knows how much that fucking hurts.

I wonder if that’s why he said it. Cause he hates me.

Guess what Snow?

I hate me too.

 

SIMON 

I think Baz’s about to say something when there’s a slow, mechanical, screeching sound from behind me. Shit.

I start to sprint towards the currently closing drawbridge, my breathing ragged as I keep almost slipping on the grass. No. No. No. I am not spending a whole fucking night trapped out here with him. There’s no Anathena out here. He could literally kill me. I can hear him running towards the drawbridge aswell. We both get to it at the same time.

We both watch in silence as it closes, the soft thud of wood against stone sealing my plans for tonight. Sit out here and try not to fucking die. I slowly turn my head to look at Baz, to find him watching me. His grey eyes are narrowed. He looks pissed. He looks like he actually wants to kill me.

“Way to fucking go, Snow,” he hisses, folding his arms. Are you kidding me? Are you actually fucking kidding me? “You really are the shittest Chosen One to ever be chosen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)
> 
> Also remember if you have any requests leave them in the comments or hit me up on Tumblr. I’m itlieswheniamwithyou


	6. Aeros and Arguments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We’ve never been nice.”

SIMON

It's been two hours since we watched the drawbridge lock into the fortress.

Two hours of squabbling about who's fault it had been.

Baz keeps pouting and saying, "We wouldn't have missed curfew if you hadn't gotten in my way."

And I keep growling and saying, "I wouldn't have to get in you way if you weren't wandering the grounds nefariously."

And now we have to spend the night out here. Together. There's no getting around there curfew - no matter how many fucking times Baz clicks his heels and says, "There's no place like home." (That;s a seventh-year spell anyway; there's no way Baz can pull it off.)

I sigh and drop down onto the grass. Baz's still muttering and staring up at the castle like he might yet spot another way in. "Oi," I say, thumping his knee. 

"Ow," he scowls, ignoring me. "What?"

"I've got an Aero Bar," I say. "Want half?" Then I pause, because I don't want him to think this means we're pals now. He peers down, his long face as grey as his eyes in the gloaming. He flicks his black hair back and frowns, settling down next to me on the hill. "What kind?" 

"Mint," I say as I dig the chocolate out from the pocket of my cape.

"That's my favourite," Baz admits, grudgingly.

I flash him a wide, what grin, because maybe Baz isn't an evil monster, and he's just a boy that likes the same chocolate as me. "Mine too."

 

BAZ

"I heard about what happened to your mum's portrait," Snow says suddenly. "I'm sorry. Whoever did that's a dick."

I know. I am.

I didn't mean to burn my mother's portrait. I meant to burn myself.

It didn't work very well. I should've just used a spell, not a fucking cigarette. I could just do it now, end it all now. But I'm scared. The moment's gone. The fiery anger and hatred towards myself has burned to a faint crackle. I'll just have to wait for Snow to gather the courage to do it himself.

Not that I'm going to tell him any of that. 

"Don't be," I sigh, raking my fingers through my hair. "It's not your problem."

"I know," Snow says and when I turn to face him he's wetting his lips. "I just wanted to say sorry anyway."

"Well, you said it. You can go back to being silent now."

Okay," he clicks his tongue, "Just trying to be nice."

"We've never been nice," I say, narrowing my eyes at him. "I don't see why we should start now." Snow sighs and drops onto his back instead of arguing with me. To be honest, I don't know what I would do if Snow started being nice to me. Probably fall harder. Which isn't a great plan since I'm waiting for him to kill me. I let out an exasperated breath before I drop onto my back next to Snow.

"We've done nice things before," he murmurs, tilting his head to look at me. I just furrow my eyebrows, and try desperately not to stare into his eyes. I can't decide if I want to pull him or if I want to murder him. I've been trying to figure it out all year. "Snowball fights," Snow grins, proud of himself for coming up with that. "And food fights. Both of those things are fun."

"Not when we did it. I kept purposely putting ice in my snowballs to try and knock you out. And you were throwing strawberries at me during the food fights."

"I didn't know you were allergic when I threw them," Snow says sheepishly, pushing his tongue into his cheek. I just make a sort of huff sound to let him know I don't believe him before I turn away and look up at the dark sky. "Did you really put ice in the snowballs on purpose?" he asks, and I can feel his eyes on me. I don't face him, and I don't say anything but I grin hard enough for him to see. "Prick," he murmurs, but I don't think he really means it. 

I go to say something, maybe admit that I only put ice in one of the snowballs by mistake, but when I turn to look at him, Snow's eyes are shut. I turn away and shut my own eyes as I listen to Snow's breathing.

 

SIMON

I must've fallen asleep shortly after because I wake up with my face and clothes damp and a crick in my neck. I push myself up and sit in a basket, to see Baz smirking smugly at me. "What?" I growl, sleepily rubbing my eyes. He doesn't say anything, just arches an eyebrow. "Sorry, it's just that I've not been getting a lot of sleep recently since my fucking dickhead roommate likes to tramp around the school at midnight." 

"Your roommate sounds delightful," Baz shrugs. Like he couldn't care less about me not sleeping. He probably doesn't. "Maybe you should fuck off and stay out of his business."

"That would be a lot easier if he wasn't evil," I hiss. Baz snorts, bringing his knees to his chest. 

"You really are an idiot, Snow." I glare at him, clenching my jaw. "You think everything's good or evil. Like this is some kind of shitty story where everything and everyone revolves around you. It's not that simple. Some of us don't get to decide to be the good guy. We don't get to have a sword and golden hair and have the power to defeat all the bad in the world in our fucking fingers."

"I didn't get to pick either," I say, my tone dripping in angry before I even realise I'm pissed off at him for saying that. "You think I wouldn't rather be normal?" I ask, pushing myself up from the slightly wet grass. "You think I don't want to have a mum and dad? A family? A dog and my own bedroom? You think I want _this_?" I don't realise I'm shouting before I am. "You think I chose this?" 

"You certainly act like it," Baz scowls, standing up. I look from my damp and grass stained jumper to his immaculate one. He didn't even get a little bit dirty, the prick. "You might not have chosen this life, Snow. But you certainly don't hate it. Don't even try to deny it," he rolls his eyes when I open my mouth to protest. "You love all the fucking attention. Because in your idiotic fucking head, you think this is a fairytale. You're the shining knight, the golden prince and you have your princess. And you get to vanquish The Humdrum. You think this is a massive upgrade from being a pathetic little chavvy orphan. You relish in this Snow. But are you really the good guy? You loved killing that dragon three years ago. It seems like you want this war to happen."

"Of course I don't," I hiss. He has no idea what he's talking about.

"Well, your fucking Mage definitely does. And isn't that all you really are? His little puppet. Ready at his beck and call. But I don’t think it’s set in that people are going to die because of you, Snow. Your mere presence puts all of your little friends and you precious girlfriend and the whole World of Mages at risk. You’re the cause of all this. You."

"I take it back," I say through gritted teeth. Baz cocks his head at me. "I am going to kill you." He stiffens. "Not now. But I will. Cause you are pure evil. And you don't even fucking realise it. And you're not going to win this war. I won't let you." I don't wait for him to reply, just start to walk off. I'll wait at the drawbridge, there should only be a few hours to wait now. 

As I walk, I slip my hands into my pockets, my breath hitching when I feel the chocolate wrapper. I crunch it in my hands. 

I'm going to catch Baz. And I'm going to get him expelled. And then, when this war is happening, I'm going to kill him.

 

*

 

"Where were you?" Penny asks as I sit down at the table across from her. I've only just got back into the grounds and I had to sprint back to the room to change. I sleepily shake my head before I go to grab a cherry scone but Penny grabs my wrist. "Si, what happened? I was worried."

"Got locked out," I murmur, shaking her hand off before I slab a thick layer of jam onto the scone. "Was following Baz outside." I can feel Penny's eyes on me but i ignore her. "Ugh, this is raisin," I spit out as I drop the scone onto my plate. "Fuck, I'm so tired."

"Simon," Penny says sternly.

"Penelope," I sigh looking up at her. She frowns before she reaches over and scrubs my left cheek. 

"You had dirt on your face. You actually still have dirt all over your face." I crinkle my nod before I start scrubbing at my face. "You've got to stop this, Simon. There's no evidence to prove he's a vampire, and frankly, you stalking him isn't getting anywhere."

“I’m close, Penny. I just need him to admit it or something and then I can tell the Mage and he’ll be finally expelled.”

“And you’re sure you want him expelled?” I stare at her. “Surely it’s safer for everyone if Baz is here. Under our watch. If he’s expelled he’ll just end up on the Coven and then we’re fucked.”

I shrug as I slip off of the bench. “I’m getting him out of here. I’m sick and tired of living with him.” Penny frowns up at me as I walk away, murmuring that I’ll see her in Herbology. As I walk towards the door, Baz enters and we both pause in our step. His grey eyes scan me before they flit back to my eyes. His grey eyes seem to sparkle in the light. 

I gulp before I start walking again, stepping around him before I walk out. As I make my way towards our room, I try and push the image of his face out of my mind. And try and ignore why it won’t leave.


	7. Black Eyes and Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Baz. Baz, come on."

SIMON

I sigh as I roll over in my bed, pulling my blanket up further over my head. Then I feel a shudder shiver through my body - like I'm being scratched by long nails. Suddenly everywhere is itchy. I shrug about under the sheets, rub my shoulder against my jaw, but it still isn't going away. I push myself up, the blanket falling over my bare chest, and itch the back of my neck. I lean over and turn my lamp on, stretching my arms out. The sinking feeling doesn't go away. I sit up, rolling my shoulders back as I open my eyes, yawning. Maybe Baz is fucking smoking or something. I look over towards his bed, ready to fucking punch the git, but Baz isn't in his bed.

My heart speeds up.

His bed's a mess, the pillow's on the floor and his blanket is hanging over the headboard. And there's blood on his under-sheet. Not a lot, just a stain. But still...it's fucking _blood_. I stand up and walk slowly to the bed, feeling like I'm wading through water.

I vaguely recognise the sensation, but I can't place my finger on what it is. Like a smell you haven't smelt since you were five and you know you know it, but you can't say what it is. I cough, which is a mistake because then the itchy feeling is in my whole body; my lungs and my throat and my heart and my nose. 

Then it hits me. 

_The Humdrum._

_It's here._

_And Baz isn't in his bed._

I try and turn too quickly, and end up tripping over and falling, sprawled on the wooden floor. I swear and rub my aching nose as I clamber up. I grab my sword from my desk and my wand from my bedside table, tucking it into my back pocket. I sprint into the hall and jump down the stairs taking two at a time. It's too bright and it's too early and I should be asleep but The Humdrum is fucking here. Crowley, it's here.

It can't be here. That's not possible...the wards. Then as I reach the bottom of the stairs and throw the door to the courtyard open to the bright early morning sun, I hear a muffled scream coming from the woods. _Baz_. My breathing glitches. Baz.

Oh fucking shit.

BAZ 

I wake up before Snow, but that's normal. I bite my lip as I look at him sleeping, his mouth slightly open as his golden curls lie in a messy flop on his pillow. As I watch him turn slightly to face me, I think he's awake, and my heart skips, but then I realise he's still asleep, and he wouldn't be able to see me in the dark anyway. I bring my knees to my chest as I watch him, a small sigh escaping from my lips. I wish everything was different. I wish we were different. Then a furl of dread fireworks in my gut and at first I mistake it as my longing for Snow. Then when it starts to hurt, I realise that it's some sort of magic.  


It's like a weird sort of pulling feeling - like someone's wrapped their hand around my heart and my gut and is dragging me. I groan in pain as my body starts to move without my permission. I try and resist, digging my nails into my hands so hard, I can feel blood dripping down my fingers, but the urge is too overwhelming. I hiss as I double over, clutching my heart. My nails dig at my nightshirt. Crowley, it hurts so fucking much. Maybe if I dig hard enough I could pull my heart out; make the pain stop. I feel my pangs pop out and grunt, clutching my own neck. 

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. So, I give up. I let whatever it is pull me away, my feet slowly scuffing the floor after I push myself out of bed. What. Is. Happening?

It's like my thoughts aren't my own. Like somethings worming into my mind, scratching and clawing and twisting my head. As my feet carry me towards the Wavering Woods, I just keep holding onto the thoughts of blue eyes and bronze curls and lean chests.

SIMON

The first thing I see when I sprint into the woods is Baz. He's wearing his pyjamas. And his hair is hanging in front of his face. And he looks like he's in pain.

His eyes are shut and he's clutching his chest. What the fuck? I stand still, because Baz isn't really going to hurt me. _Is he?_  Then I realise that Baz has fucking fangs hanging out of his mouth and that he's slowly walking towards me. Or at least he looks like he's trying to. Or maybe it looks like he's trying not to try.

I automatically bare my sword before I try to reach for my magic, just so I know it's definitely there, and it shoots right out of me. I feel it stream from my eyes and lie in my neck and hum in my feet. I try to shove it down but it won't budge - it sticks to me, to my fingers, my chest, my hair. 

"Baz?" I ask, quietly. 

He just groans. I take a step forward and so does he. Even though it's early morning and the sun is shining, we're deep in the woods and the trees are so thick and bushy that it's practically black. He takes another ginger step forward into the light. I brush against a branch of a tree with my hand and it instantly bursts into flames. Baz flinches but he doesn't stop walking. I can see the flames reflecting in his grey eyes. "Baz?" I ask again.

Then he pounces.

The sword is knocked from my hand by the force (not that I'd use the sword on Baz anyway, but still. It's a reassurance. One that I don't have anymore.)

We roll around on the ground for a minute and I just keep my hand planted on Baz's face, keeping those damn  _fangs_ away from my neck. I really don't want to die at Baz's hands. Crowley - that would be so embarrassing.

He snarls and swipes at my face with his fingers. I manage to dodge, but he still catches my cheek. I hiss and trace the graze with my own fingers. Baz's a lot stronger than me and it takes all of my strength to keep him up. My arms keep threatening to buckle and my stomach feels like it's going to cave in. He won't look me in the eye and it doesn't seem like he's breathing. I try to navigate us away from the flaming tree - I can't have Baz bursting into fire. And I know he's flammable, even if he won't admit it.

I have to move my face away, smearing mud all over my left cheek, because Baz's mouth is open and he's trying to fucking tear my skin off of me. He snarls and goes to swipe me again, this time his fingers scratching my chest. Then, for the first time, I realise that I'm not wearing a shirt and it's fucking freezing.

"Baz!" I shout. "What the fuck are you doing?" As soon as the words slip from my mouth, Baz's eyes lock onto mine; blue furiously crashing against grey. Then he just stops. He stays above me, two strong arms either side of my head. I never noticed how muscular Baz's arms were. Of fucking course they are. What an dickhead. Then I realise that he's _actually_ trying to kill me and I should stop thinking about his arms. Then he says something.

"Not me," he pants out through gritted teeth. 

"What?" I ask, my arms struggling as he keep pushing against him. 

"Humdrum," he growls before he snarls with his fangs. I only then realise that maybe Baz hasn't just turned into a fucking insane killer but that maybe The Humdrum is controlling him. Somehow. 

I try and move again, shuffling backwards, but Baz just stares down at me; his eyes dilated and black. I'm expecting Baz to literally murder me or worse, bite me and make me be a vampire with him forever and ever, but he just starts shaking his head. It gets more forceful and his head hangs, his long hair falling in his face.

"Baz," I whisper, but he doesn't hear me. He just growls and then I realise that maybe he's trying to fight it. Trying to fight against the Humdrum's control. It's not like the Humdrum isn't constantly sending evil monsters after me. I guess I just never really considered Baz to be that evil or dangerous. He's a dickhead, and he's obviously a vampire. But...he's just a boy. And I want him to snap out of this. Now. I need him back to normal. Because this is scaring me. My breathing hitches as I watch him stand up, before he leans his back against a tree, head shaking furiously in his hands.

"Baz," I murmur again as I stand up and tentatively walk towards him. "Baz. Baz, come on." He doesn't respond, just keeps shaking. And then I get really scared.

I bite the inside of my cheek before I instinctively grab his hands away from his face, and then my throat bobs when I see feel the wet blood on them. "Fuck," I murmur when I see the deep nail marks in his palms. When I look back at him, he's looking at me, eyes narrowed as his whole body shakes. Whatever this is, I guess he's still not snapped out of it. And then I realise that I'm not just scared for my life, but for his aswell. I'm scared for Baz. The worst roommate ever, my apparent arch nemesis. 

I watch as the muscle in his neck twitches and he groans, arching his back in pain. And my heart throbs. I watch the flames in his grey eyes and frown as I hold his shaking hands tightly. I've never seen Baz looks so scared. "Get out," he says faintly, his whole body still twitching. "I'm going to...hurt...you," he whispers his voice trembling.

"I'm not leaving you now," I say, surprised that my own voice breaks. "I'm not abandoning you now." He just looks at me like I'm an idiot. I probably am.

And then I do something insane. Something that only my fucked up brain would decide to do. I do it because he looks so sad and depressed right now and he's in pain and trying to fight against the Humdrum because he doesn't want to hurt me. And then I realise that maybe he never really wanted to hurt me, and my brain flashes back to two weeks ago, when he shouted at me to kill him. Maybe he wasn't just screaming at me, maybe he was asking me. Maybe he was begging. And maybe I don't want to live this life either, I realise as I watch Baz struggle under my grip. 

Maybe I haven't been following Baz around for three months because I want to kill him. Maybe I've wanted to do the opposite.

Maybe I've just wanted him to live.

And then I push my lips furiously against Baz's.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scene inspired from my other Carry On fix that is kinda on hold cause I love it so much and it was a good segway to the kiss ;)
> 
> If you have any requests or head cannons that you would like me to write about, leave them in the comments
> 
> I always appreciate comments and feedback :)


	8. Mistakes and Marks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We shouldn’t have...this was a mistake."

SIMON           

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I didn’t expect Baz to feel so cold.

But he is.

And I’m surprised to find that I don’t really care.

I plant my hands firmly on his cheeks before I open my mouth up quickly, his own hands pushing up into my hair. I’m aware of the flames surrounding us and I’m aware that Baz is a vampire and I’m aware that he might still not be fully in control of his body. But when he opens his own mouth and nudges me closer to him all those thoughts leave my mind instantly.

“Snow,” Baz murmurs and I can feel him going to pull away but I shake my head and lightly press him against the tree, arms on either side of him. “Don’t say anything,” I shake my head, meeting his grey eyes. He looks confused. I feel confused. But that doesn’t stop me from pressing my lips to his neck. And it doesn’t stop him from tracing my arms and my chest and my neck. And it doesn’t stop me from recklessly tugging his shirt over his head.

I never realised how strong Baz is.

He looks thinner with his clothes on, when I can’t see the muscles in his stomach and his arms. “Fuck,” I say before thinking. Baz doesn’t say anything, just rests his hand on my neck before crushing his lips against mine. I let him. Then he lets me lightly push him to the ground, before I follow him.

The grass is cold, the air is cold and Baz is cold, but this is warm. I let out a small, shameless sigh as I pull away and hold myself above him. I grin as Baz reaches up to press his lips against mine before I open my mouth. His cold fingers skim my arms, dig into my back, clasp either side of my face. 

I lower myself down closer to him, smoothing his dark hair out with my hands. The early light casts shadows on Baz's face as I kiss his neck, his hands tangled in my hair. I feel out of breath, but I don't stop, my fingers tracing any piece of Baz's cold and pale skin I can find.

I know this is wrong. This is really bad and I should get away and run back to my room and pretend this never happened. Because this is wrong. But I can’t deny that it feels right. And I need him to just stop hating me and hating himself for a second. I just need him to _stop_.

 

*

 

“You’re covered in blood,” I say when I can’t feel my lips anymore. I never stopped feeling my lips when I kissed Agatha. But just now, with Baz, I stopped feeling everything. He blinks at me before he holds up his hands to look at them. We're lying on the grass, the sunlight casting dancing shadows on the trees and our chests. 

“So are you,” he points out, pushing his tongue into his cheek before he sits up, cracking his knuckles. My nose crinkles, I hate when people do that - it's manky. “It’s in your hair,” he murmurs before his fingers go to a strand of hair that’s falling in my face.

I push myself away as to dodge his hand.

It’s a small move, but he notices, his hand dropping back down to his side. I stand up, stretching out my arms, trying to ignore Baz as he stands up, long legs and lean chest glaring at me. His jaw is clenched and he looks like he wants to speak, but he doesn’t. He just stands there, hair a mess, red marks littered all over his neck and chest. Red marks _I_ left there.

Me. Me who has a girlfriend. Me who made a really fucking stupid mistake because I was tired and I thought we were both going to die.

“I shouldn’t have...” I start, scratching the back of my neck. “We shouldn’t have...this was a mistake,” I say finally, scratching my bare arms. Unlike Baz, I didn’t have a shirt on when I ran out here in the first place. Some of us don’t go to sleep wearing silk, tartan pyjamas. My eyes wander to said shirt lying on the ground.

Baz doesn’t say anything, just watches me carefully. And it’s not his normal staring - like I’m a broken bird and he’s a fox. He’s just watching me warily, like I’m the one with the power here. And it’s throwing me off.

“You have to say something,” I blurt out, gulping. “We just-”

“I know what we did,” Baz says, cutting me off, his voice calm and steady. Like he doesn’t even care that we just...we just...fuck, I can’t believe what we just did. “I was there. I’m well aware.”

“I have a girlfriend,” I say quickly, “And I’m not even gay or anything like that-”

“Good to know,” Baz frowns, eyes narrowing before he looks down at himself, eyes going slightly wide at the sight of his chest. "Wow, Snow," he tilts his head, smirking. "You have a mouth on you." I don't say anything. Then I realise that he could use this against me. I mean, he probably will use this against me. It's fucking Baz. "Didn't know Wellbelove was making you so...frustrated," he grins widely, his white teeth shining in the light.

“Shut up, that's not it. It’s just that...I...I just...” I trail off, because I don’t really no what it just is.

“I get it,” he shrugs, biting his bottom lip. It's all chapped. I try not to let my eyes run over his bare chest and the red marks and hand prints I left all over his body. He looks like a god, standing there in the light, his dark hair a mess and his grey eyes storming. Even the flames seem to cower from him. "Crowley, Snow. You _are_ fucked up." That sounds like the end of this conversation. Of this whole thing...whatever this is.

“Are you okay?” I ask, instead of turning away and walking like I should. Actually, I probably should’ve asked him this first, instead of pouncing on him.

“I’m fine,” he shrugs, folding his arms. He looks away, avoiding my eyes as he stares at the ground. "You're the one that's going around sucking on your enemies' necks." he snorts, "And here I thought that was apparently my job."

I ignore that jab, confused as to why he's being such a fucking prick. Then I remember that it's Baz. He's always a prick. “You don’t look fine,” I object, pushing my bare feet into the dirt. I feel very exposed with only my trousers on.

“Then stop fucking looking,” Baz shrugs, bending down to grab his shirt before he walks towards me. I hold my breath, thinking that he might punch me really hard, but he just steps around me and continues up towards the school. 

“No, wait, Baz,” I call after him, grabbing his wrist. He shoves me off, eyebrow arching. “I...” 

“You _what_ , Snow?” he asks as he pulls his shirt back over his head, concealing the marks and blood and my taint on his chest. I look back up at his eyes and gulp.

“I’m sorry,” I say, even though I don’t really know why I’m apologising. I don’t really know what’s happening right now. He watches me for a moment, eyes a stormy grey, before he smiles. But we both know it's fake.

"Me too, Snow."


	9. Dragons and Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fuck, fuck, Baz. Please don't die."

BAZ

As I swiftly walk away from Snow, fingers raking through my hair and heart thudding, I tell myself not to cry. I bite my lip and repeat it.

Because it's not worth it. _He's_ not worth it, I tell myself over and over as I wrap my arms around myself, trying not to shudder under the cold wind. _He's not worth it,_ I lie to myself.

But as I slowly climb the stairs of Mummers House, I let the tears cling to my jaw as my fingers trace the railing. Just like they'd traced his skin, his jaw, his arms, his chest. 

He doesn't come back to our room. And I don't sleep. I sit on my bed, legs to my chest, in the dark, letting the tears fall freely as I stare at the skin he'd kissed.

Fuck.

 

*

 

"Do you have a... _hickey_ on your neck, Baz?" Dev grins. Niall drops his spoon into his Frosties. I sigh. I forgot about the... _marks_...until I woke up this morning. And then I decided that I don't care if Snow left hickeys on my neck. I have bigger things to worry about. Things like the Humdrum. And how he managed to somehow take control of my body and force me to try and kill Snow.

"What? He has a _what_?" Niall shouts, causing everyone at our table to turn and face us. I scowl, and bare my teeth until they turn away. And then I face my two annoying friends.

"Shut the fuck up, Niall," I hiss, pinching the bridge of my nose. Niall shuts his mouth, but him and Dev still arch their eyebrows at each other. "And no, it's not. It's just a bruise."

"From what?" Dev questions, leaning on then table. "Where, pray tell, did you get said _bruise_ , if it wasn't from someone sucking on your neck?" he smirks, his brows rising. Niall snickers as he lathers jam onto his third piece of toast. I narrow my eyes at them both. "Does it matter?" I sigh, dumping more sugar into my tea. Dev just shrugs, which for some reason, infuriates me more.

Then I see Snow walk in, his eyes widening when he looks at me, and the anger in my gut rises even more. Especially because he doesn't look tired or pissed or sad, he just looks confused when I scowl at him. And that's very fucking annoying, because Snow is weirdly attractive when he's confused. I look away, gulping before I glare at the untouched food on my plate.

"Snow's staring at you," Niall says before he sticks up the middle finger at Snow and Bunce, the latter rolling her eyes and the former frowning. I look up slightly and sigh, "Let him." Dev opens his mouth to say something, no doubt something annoying, but is interrupted by a ear-splitting roar. Everyone jumps up from their seats and rushes to the door, shouting in panic. I immediately look over at at Snow who's standing up already, his chair kicked over, his wand in his hand. I watch him as he runs down the hall, casting a spell that causes his sword to smash through a window, glass shattering everywhere, and landing in his outstretched hand. Fucking dramatic asshole. Why does he always have to look like he’s stepped right out of a Marvel film.

I stand up and force myself to walk after Snow. Not run. I shouldn't even care if the tosser gets himself killed. It would actually make my life a hell of a lot easier. Dev and Niall follow me, their wands in their hands. 

When we get outside, managing to get past Miss Possibelf - who's herding the younger ones back into the hall - my heart speeds up slightly when I see Snow. He's standing on his own, swinging his sword at a damn dragon. He's going to get himself fucking burned alive.

I know he managed to stop that dragon in our first year, but I'm pretty sure even Snow doesn't know how he managed to do that. I cringe when I'm hit with a wave of heat as the dragon aims a line of fire towards Snow. He manages to dodge it somehow, but I can hear him swearing from over here. "Snow!" I shout, as I run towards him. He doesn't hear me, just keeps swinging at the sword. "Stop, Snow!"

"What are you doing Baz?" Niall shouts after me. I turn slightly as I run, frowning when I see them following me. They may be fucking twats, but they're loyal.

"Don't follow me," I bark at them. They don't listen, and actually start to run faster after me. "Stay there!" I shout at them. Reckless fucking idiots. Dev just shakes his head, and I start to wonder if I should just cast a barrier between us, when Dev and Niall stop running after me. Then I see Miss Possibelf has spelled a barrier already. Dev kicks the invisible wall viciously and Niall starts to call me back. "Don't be a fucking idiot, Baz!" he shouts. "Come back. Let Snow get himself killed."

"Niall Ainsworth, language!" I hear Miss Possibelf say as I turn away from them and continue to run after Snow. "Basilton!" she shouts. "Come back here, now!" But their voices slowly fade to nothing as I run towards Snow. He's managed to get onto the dragon's head, trying to shove his sword anywhere he can as the dragon's jaw snaps at him. He finally notices me when I stop right in front of the dragon. Unfortunately, the dragon seems to notice me too. 

"Fuck off, Baz!" Snow shouts, his tone a mix of anger and surprise. "You're flammable!"

"So are you," I hiss before I hold my wand out, and stand with me feet apart. 

" _Baz_!" I hear Snow shout, almost pleading, but I interrupt him.

"Get off, Simon." Is all I say to him before I turn my attention to the dragon. " ** _L **adybird** , ladybird fly away home, your house is on fire and your children are gone_**." Snow's stopped moving, and him and the dragon have both stilled. I try to keep from shaking as I continue. This isn't going to work. I know it's not going to work. But if it buys Snow enough time to get off the dragon's fucking back and save himself than maybe it'll be worth it. " _ **Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home, your house is on fire and your children shall burn. All except one, and her name is Nan and she hid under the porridge pan."** _I let out a sigh of relief as Snow yanks his sword out of the dragon's neck and jumps down. " _ **Ladybird**_ , **_ladybird_** , **_fly_** **_away_** **_home_** , _**your**_ _**house**_ _**is**_ _**on**_ _**fire**_ , _**and**_ _**your**_ _**children**_ _**shall**_ _**burn**_!" 

I can feel Snow's gaze on me, but I don't let myself look at him. I can still faintly hear Dev and Niall screaming my name but I ignore them as I tighten my fingers around my wand. " _ **All but one, and that's little John, and he lies under the grindle stone."**_ I stiffen as I see Snow tighten his hold on the sword then he looks at me once before he brings the sword up to the dragon's neck, the blade humming a low hasty tune as Snow lets it drop.

" ** _Ladybird_** , _**ladybird**_ , _**fly**_ _**away**_ _**home**_ , _**your**_ _**house**_ _**is**_ _**on**_ _**fire**_ -" I don't get to the end of the sentence before I feel the boiling wrath of the dragon's fire wash over me. I hear a scream and then a soft thud and before I black out, I feel a pair of arms catch me around my waist. "Baz," I hear someone shout, or maybe they're whispering. I can't tell. "Fuck, fuck, Baz. Please don't die. Please don't fucking die, you dick. I have to tell you that I - Miss Possibelf, help! Help! It's Baz, he's..."

*

When I wake up I can't remember where I am. I can't remember who I am. But when I open my eyes and see Snow's head on the bed I'm lying in, it all comes flooding back. I look around, blinking, and realise I'm in the infirmary. I'm in one of the last beds, at the back of the room. There's a curtain half closed around my bed and I blink as I try and look outside of the window next to my bed. It's open and I breathe in the fresh air blowing in through the window. I feel burnt. Then I realise I probably am burnt. I push myself up so I'm sitting with my back against the headboard as I run my hand down my neck.

I bite my lip as I turn and look at Snow. He's asleep in a chair next to my bed, his head on the edge of the mattress. His bronze curls are a fucking disaster and the back of his neck has ash on it. "Snow," I say, frowning when Snow doesn't move. He stays asleep, slightly rising and falling as he breathes softly. "Snow," I say louder this time. He still doesn't move. "Simon," I roll my eyes, lightly touching his shoulder. He sits up straight, blinking as he looks at me. 

"You're awake," he smiles, before he frowns. "I thought you were dead. You scared me."

I roll my eyes before I run a tired hand over my eyes. "Apologies, Snow. I didn't mean to scare you. I was too busy fucking saving you."

"You called me Simon before" he says, grinning brightly. I can't tell if I fucking hate him or love him right now. "I like when you call me Simon."

"I didn't call you Simon," I scowl, which makes me feel like shit when Snow's grin falls into a sad frown. "What happened?" I ask, trying to change the subject quickly as I look away from Snow's sad face.

"You saved me," he says quietly. "But before I could kill the dragon it tried to kill you. I thought it had. Killed you, that is. You just fell to the ground, and I barely had time to kill it before I could catch you." Snow killed a dragon. He’s sixteen and he managed to kill a dragon. I wonder is Snow knows how fucking powerful he is. How celestial. I don’t deserve Simon Snow. No one deserves Simon Snow.

He pauses and when he looks up at me his blue eyes are painted in an emotion that I can't place. "I thought you were dead."

"You had something to tell me," I say quickly, as Snow's last words come back to me. He looks away sheepishly before he stands up, and at first I think he's going to leave, and my heart breaks a little bit, but then he motions for me to move over. I arch an eyebrow when he sits down next to me, legs in a basket. "Your friends don't like me very much," he smiles. I snort. "They wouldn't let me see you," he says softly as he looks down at my hands on my lap. "I guess they thought I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to kill you." I give a small huff of amusement as I watch him watch me. “I had to wait until the nurse kicked them out to sneak in.” I smile slightly, I can perfectly see Dev and Niall telling Snow to fuck off in my head.

"You're covered in ash," he breathes and when his hand slowly comes up to brush the grey flecks from my face, I flinch. He pauses, but when I don't object, he brushes the ash away from my cold face with his warm fingers. Snow is always warm. "I thought you were dead," he whispers, his body so close to mine that I can almost hear his heartbeat. 

"You already said that," I say, pushing my tongue into my cheek.

"It scared me," he shrugs, and for a second I think that he might kiss me, but then he sits back, raking his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry I let the Humdrum take control of you."

I furrow my eyebrows. "I don't see how that's your fault."

"Because I should have stopped him already." I don't know what to say to that, so I just keep quiet, turning away from him. "You look like shit by the way," he says. I snort before I turn back to him. 

"You have ash smudged on your face, and you're a little burnt." I just shrug, because it's nothing that I don't deserve, really. Nothing that I've not had coming. I actually was expecting a lot worse. I wasn’t expecting to see Snows blue eyes again. I wasn’t expecting to see anyone again. I don’t deserve to. Not when I’m here instead of my mother.

Snow brings his hand up again, but this time I catch his wrist before he can touch me. "Simon," I start but he interrupts me before I can say anything,

"Ha!" he shouts, gleefully. I arch an eyebrow. "You said my name," he smirks, his blue eyes crinkling in happiness. "You said my name," he repeats, this time softer and quieter. And before I can say anything, or object, he pushes his lips against mine. It’s the softest kiss and I think I might have melted a little bit. It was the lightest touch on my lips, but I still feel it all over my being. Snow's soft, so fucking soft- like he's not a real fucking person. It's just lips on lips, meeting and then parting only to meet again in another sweet yet intoxicating kiss. Snow's intoxicating. And it's infuriating how much I love it.

"You really fucking scared me," he breathes when we pull apart, resting his forehead against mine. "I thought you were dead."

"Well, I can't promise I won't die, Snow," I say, letting my hand fall onto his neck. "It seems like it's pretty inevitable for me. I'm just an fucked up, evil monster. Right? Surely I should die...need to die for everyone else to have their happy ending.”

"Don't say shit like that," he sighs as he nudges his nose against mine. "Promise me." Oh fuck, this boy. 

"Snow," I start. "I am not going to promise you that I won't die-" But before I can finish my sentence, he pushes his lips desperately against mine, his hands in my hair as I softly moan into his mouth. When I pull away, he's smirking, his now red face practically glowing. "You need to find a new way to deal with me, Snow. You can't just keep trying to kiss me because you want me to stop talking."

"That's not why I kissed you," he grins, pressing a kiss against my neck. Maybe I really did die. Maybe that dragon actually killed me. Because this can’t be real life. Snow can’t really be here, can’t really be doing this. Can’t really be saying these things.

"What?" I ask, arching an eyebrow. I smile softly when Snow taps my forehead with his finger. 

"I kissed you because I wanted to. I want to. So stop fucking talking and kiss me, Basilton."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry it's been so long guys. I've just had a really shitty and stressful couple of weeks. But I'm back to regular programming, and so are Baz and Simon ;)
> 
> If you have any feedback or just any comments, let me know below :)
> 
> Sorry if this chapter was too long, but I wanted this chapter out, and as always, thanks for reading x


	10. Chasing and Cliffs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm fucked."
> 
> "It's always dark."
> 
> "I'm always cold."

SIMON

"I'm fucked."

I blink as sit up a bit straighter. I though Baz had fallen asleep, so I had taken to raking my fingers through his hair. His dark, soft hair. Some of the ends are burnt a bit, and he still smells like smoke. Fuck. I thought he'd died. He just collapsed, small flames burning his blazer as ash dusted his face. I had panicked so fucking hard, only managing to slice the damn beast's neck before I caught Baz. He'd felt so fucking cold, even though he'd just been set on fire. And when he woke up, he looked even worse. He's looked pretty shit for a few months now; skinnier than normal, a gaunt face, bags under his eyes. But when he'd woken up with literal white skin, red eyes and ash painted all over him, my heart had lurched.

"Hmm?" I hold myself up so I can look at him, but he stays lying on his side.

"I feel like I'm under water," Baz breathes. "All the time." I don't say anything. "And it's always fucking cold. And no matter how often I try to get warm, get near fire, I'm still cold. And it's always dark.” There’s a pause and I try to reach over when he speaks again. My hand stay shivering above his shoulder. “She would be so fucking ashamed. She would’ve wanted me dead.”

"Baz," I say, leaning over to look at him. "Who wants you dead? What’s wrong, Baz?" He just shakes his head, his hair falling over his face.

"It doesn't matter," he finally says after a few moments of crushing silence. "It's nothing," he mumbles before he shuts his eyes. I stay still, too many thoughts rushing through my head. I don't say anything, even though I know I really should, but when I manage to gather up the courage, I'm pretty sure Baz's fallen asleep. I fall onto my side, facing Baz’s back. He doesn’t object as I rest my head in the crook of his neck, throwing an arm over his waist.

I stay beside him until I hear the nurse come in.

"Oh," she says as she pulls back the curtain. I barely make it into the chair at Baz's side. I’m pretty sure my face gets redder and redder as she looks from me to Baz still asleep on the bed. "You've been here all night?" I just nod, trying not to squirm. “Well, I'm going to keep him in here for a couple more hours. Just in case something happens. He had pretty bad burns on his arms and chest, and I want to make sure they're on their way to healing before I let him go. Dragon burns can be pretty painful." That makes my heart squeeze. I look down at Baz as stand up, biting my lip.

"I can stay with him," I say, tapping my fingers on the mattress, watching Baz's chest rise and fall slowly.

"No, you will not," she shakes her head. "Go and get changed before your first class."

"No, it's fine, I want to-" but she's already pushed me out and shut the curtain behind her. I wait for a moment, but when I realise she's not going to let me stay, and when I realise that I don't know what I would say to Baz if he woke up anyway, I walk away, the door shutting behind me.

 

*

 

I only realise Penny's talking to me when she says my name for the third time. "Sorry, what?" I look up, letting the slice of slightly shitty pizza fall onto my plate. Friday is pizza day at Watford. Which everyone was excited for for like a month before we all realised it’s not like fresh pizza or anything, just kinda crappy frozen school lunch pizza. I still get it every Friday. And Penny always rolls her eyes.

"Where are you, Simon?" she tilts her head, her face a cast of worry.

"Having lunch with you, in the dining hall,” I shrug, wetting my bottom lip. She shakes her head, her dark brown hair falling over her shoulder.

"What's going on? I couldn't find you anywhere yesterday."

"I was in the infirmary,” I answer simply, not really ready to try and explain everything to Penny. I’ve not even really explained it to myself yet. 

"I didn't think you got hurt. I thought it was only Baz." I try to shrug casually but my face must give me away. "Simon, I don't like Baz either, but you shouldn't harass him when he tried to help. Don’t annoy him when he’s injured.”

"I wasn't harassing him!" I object. Penny frowns before she reaches over the table to squeeze my hand. 

"Si, you know you can tell me if something's hurting. If something's wrong." I nod, and because she's smiling at me so kindly, her brown eyes shining, because she's my best friend, I start to tell her.

"Well, actually, Penny-"

"Simon!" We both look around to see Agatha standing behind us. About a million emotions are passing over her face right now. I freeze when she wraps her arms around me, her face leaning against my neck. "I'm so glad you're safe. I heard about the dragon. I thought something terrible had happened. And then I couldn't find you yesterday and...I thought you’d died.” Tears start falling down her face, clinging to her jaw. I can’t help but hear her voice in mine.

“I've been such a bad girlfriend. I'm so sorry, Si."

"Wait, Agatha," I start, standing up so I can talk to her properly. But then she just wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry. You were right. And I've been missing you so much these two weeks since we fought and..."

"Agatha," I try again, holding her shoulder so she doesn't completely collapse on me. But then she pushes her lips against mine. And I hate to admit that I kiss her back. It's only for three seconds maximum. But I still hate myself for it. And when I pull away and see Baz standing there, I know someone else that's going to hate me for it.

Fear and regret bursts in my heart as I watch him watch me. Everything freezes for a moment; Agatha beside me, Penny sitting down, Baz's two stupid friends who are calling him over to their table. Everything freezes and I swear I see something in Baz's grey eyes break. He doesn't say anything. Doesn't do anything.

He just turns and walks away, a shaky hand running through his hair.

"Wait," I call, starting to follow him. "No, wait!" I shout, fully aware that everyone else is staring at us. But all I can see is Baz's sad and tired eyes. All I can see is his broken, burned body in my arms. All I can see is him striding away, fists clenched, steps trembling. All I can feel are his lips on my skin. “It’s not what you think!”

"Simon!" Agatha says, grabbing my wrist. I go to pull away but she holds on tight. "Simon, what are you doing?" she asks, almost pleading with me. I hate that her voice wavers and that her golden eyes line with tears. I almost don’t say it. But I do. Because Agatha's strong. And if I don't tell her know she'll hate me forever. And she can handle it. I don't deserve Agatha. She's better than me. Better than most people. And she doesn't deserve a shitty boyfriend. She’s doesn’t deserve to live a lie anymore.

"I'm sorry, Agatha," I start, shaking my head. She drops my arm when I pull it back but her hand lingers in the air, reaching for something that might have never been there in the first place. "But I think I've fallen out of love with you." I don't stay to watch her cry, or stay to hear anything she wants to say, because Baz's already left, and all I can see is Baz's broken face. I think Penny might be calling my name, but all I can hear is Baz's voice.

 

_*_

 

_"I'm fucked."_

_"It's always dark."_

_"I'm always cold."_

 

_*_

 

"Wait!" I shout as I chase after Baz. He's managed to get all the way across the courtyard so I have to fucking sprint to chase after him. "Baz, fucking wait!" It's pissing it down, and the rain is catching in my eyelashes as I run, my jumper soaked through. My hair is a sodden mop on my head, and my skin doesn't feel like skin anymore.

Even though it's freezing, I feel like I'm alight.

I've just flung myself from a cliff, I think as I chase after Baz, my shitty trainers sliding on the wet ground. Now all I have to do is swim to safety.

Swim to Baz.

Pull him up from the water.

Save him.

Help him.

Stop him from hurting

 

*

 

I chase him all the way to the outside of Mummers House, stopping as he starts to climb the stairs.

_Sad eyes. Broken eyes. Drowning. Fire. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked._

"Baz," I call, my own voice wavering.

Baz turns around at the top of the stairs and glares furiously down at me, his grey eyes like smoke under glass. “You don’t have to explain anything to me,” he spits. “I get it, alright?”

“No, you don’t,’ I shake my head, slowly climbing up the steps until I'm only a couple below him. “You don’t get it at all. If you would just let me–”

“Look,” he interrupts, frowning. “I really don’t feel like dealing with you right now, Snow. We can try and talk later, but right now just... turn around. Go back to your perfect little girlfriend, okay? Go back to Bunce and your life and leave _me_  out of it.  _I don’t care_.” He spins around and stamps up the stairs, leaving me to chase after him. Why is hostile always his default?

“You’ve got it all wrong,” I scowl, catching up so that I can grab his arm. I frown when I look down and see the faint outline of scars on his upper arm when his sleeve rides up. He hisses and pulls it down before he goes to pull away. I don't let him. “ _Baz_. Just fucking stop running away, you prick!”

“ _What_?” Baz snaps, yanking his arm from my grip. “Crowley, Snow, you’re so – I _don’t_ want to talk to you, okay? This is–” He cuts himself off. “I had thought, after yesterday–”

He scowls before he folds his arms. “This is fucking  _embarrassing_ ,” he finally sighs. “We keep doing _this_ , and _I_ keep thinking you might, maybe, you might just feel _something_ – but you _don’t_. And that’s – _fine_. I’m fine with that but I just... I can’t _look_ at you right now without feeling…” He leans his back against the wall, letting one hand fall to his side while the other slides down over his face and rubs at his tired, sad and broken eyes. “Like _shit_ ,” he sighs out, his voice cracking slightly.

I cross my arms tightly over my chest, arching an eyebrow at him. “Are you done?” I breathe, smiling slightly when Baz brings his hand away from his face to throw me a pissed off look.

“Yes,” he grits out. “Was I taking up too much of the your time? The Mages Heir’s time? For fuck’s sake, Snow…” Baz swears, and all of a sudden he just seems to wilt as he drags his palm over his face again. His tired, sad, broken face. “What do you _want_?”

_For you to stop looking sad. For you stop saying shit about hating yourself. For you to stop hating yourself. For you to stop hating me. For you to just fucking smile._

_"You_ ,” I breathe. Baz's eyes slowly look up, blue and grey meeting. I slowly close the distance between us until I can hear Baz breathing. 

"No one else?" he asks softly, his eyes watching me warily.

I shake my head.

"No one else."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment or feedback down below, much appreciated :)


	11. Hand Holding and Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You've been fucking him for months."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * A sack is what us British people call a nerd or someone who's very good at exams and school - like Baz, just in case you were wondering what it means when Dev says it :)

 

two weeks later

BAZ

I watch Snow from across the hall as he holds his head in his hands while he nods to something Bunce is saying. His golden curls are hanging in his face and I watch as he keeps batting them away. He smiles when his eyes slide to me, his dimples creasing. _Hey_ , he mouths, biting his bottom lip. 

I try to hide my smile, turning back to Dev and Niall. "Did you do that Alchemy report?" Dev asks, stabbing his beef with the knife. Niall is smirking as he dollops more and more peas onto his plate. "If you say yes Baz, this knife is going through your eye then mine."

"Eww," Niall crinkles his nose as he shoves mashed potatoes into his face. "Eye contamination, gross." Then Dev shoots him a foul look and Niall grunts, "Ow. Why the fuck did you kick me?" Dev ignores him and turns to me. I sigh before I shrug, "Yeah, sorry I did it two weeks ago."

Dev groans before he slumps back into his chair, "Crowley, why are you such a fucking sack?" I shake my head, grinning as Dev and Niall start arguing and kick each other before I go to reach for the water jug to meet Snow's eyes again. He grins and watches me as I pour the water. I arch an eyebrow and tilt my head. But when he starts blowing kisses I can't help but grin, even if I roll my eyes and hide my smile with my hands. I shake my head but he keeps blowing them from across the hall. Then he arches his eyebrows as if to say he isn't going to stop unless I return one of his kisses. I roll my eyes but send a quick imaginary kiss back anyway. I feel stupid and foolish as I do it, but the smile on Simon's face makes it worth it.

"Are you going to orchestra?" Niall asks me when I turn back to them, my heart feeling fluttery and my cheeks red. I shake my head - I haven't practised my violin for a while now. "Holy smokes, Baz," Niall groans, running his hand down his face. "You have to come. Mrs Spellman said that if I couldn't get you to come then I have to play your part."

"But you play the cello," I frown.

"Exactly," Niall nods. I shake my head and sigh but I give in anyway. I tell him I'll come and when he grins and wraps his thin, freckled arms around me, I watch Wellbelove sit down at Snow's table. And my stomach clenches.

 

SIMON

"Samuel deserved better than her," Penny says, shaking her head as she adds another teaspoon of sugar into her tea. Penny's forcing herself to drink tea every day in the hopes that she'll start to like it for real. She says drinking tea makes you feel more grown up.

"No, Marina is the best character in that show," I disagree. Then I see Baz walk in, Dev and Niall shoving each other playfully behind him. I watch as he scans the room, his grey eyes looking, and when they fall on me he smiles softly. I can't help but grin and I watch him until they sit at their table. Hey, I mouth, smirking when he just looks away, red blushing on his pale cheeks. 

"Of course you would think that," Penny shakes her head. "You just think she's hot." I look at her and grin before I begin to tap the table with my fingers. I let myself look at Baz. At his arms and the way he leans his head on them. At his jaw and how he rubs it against his shoulder. At his nose and how he crinkles it when Niall puts sugar in his soup. At his cheekbones. At his wrists. At his neck and his eyes and his hair and his eyes and his nose and his lips and fuck, his _eyes -_

"Simon."

"Oh, sorry," I blink at Penny, my neck flushing when he furrows her eyebrows to look behind her.

"What were you even staring at?" she asks, turning back to me. I just shrug, dropping my head into my hands. I don't know how much longer I can keep this from Penny. Even though I don't really know what I'm keeping from Penny. Me and Baz haven't really talked about what _this_ is yet. We don't do that much talking at all. "You were staring at Baz," Penny frowns accusingly. 

I shake my head. "No. No I wasn't."

"Crowley, Simon. You've got to let this go. He helped you. He could've let you die and he didn't. Which in my books means he's alright. I get that you hate him, but maybe you could try and stop for a little bit." 

"I don't hate him," I object. I should just explain to her...just tell her. But I've never been great with words.

"Then why do you keep staring at him?" she asks, her voice disappointed. She thinks I want him dead. She thinks I want to kill _Baz_. 

"Because we kissed," I blurt out. My heart's pounding, my eyes are watering and my breathing's ragged. "Because we kissed."

There's a pause, and at first I think Penny might be angry at me because I kissed Baz. And then I start to think that maybe she's angry because I kissed a boy. But Penny doesn't have anything against gay people, and I don't even know if I'm gay but what if Penny thinks I am and that's not okay with her because she's also Agatha's friend and I was with her even if I might be gay and I can't carry on if Penny hates me and-

"Simon," Penny smiles softly before reaching across the table to take my hand in hers. I sneak a glance across the hall but Baz's talking to his friends, facing away from me. 

"We kissed more than once," I say, staring at my bowl of soup, unable to look at her, too scared of what I'll find on her face. "I think we have a thing, maybe, I don't really know. But...I think I'm gay, Penny. Or maybe bi, I don't know, but I know I like Baz." 

"Simon," Penny says, clutching my hand tighter. "You're shaking." I blink down at my hands and bite my lip before I just shrug.

"Are you surprised?" I ask, looking up at her for the first time. She doesn't look angry, or surprised, she just looks like Penny.

"No," she shakes her head, looking at me with her kind eyes. I can't believe I thought she would hate me for this.

"You guessed?" I ask, pushing my tongue into my cheek.

"No," she shakes her head again. "Not at all."

"But you're not surprised?" I ask again.

"Do you want me to be?" she asks.

"No," I shrug, "Or... I don't know." Penny squeezes my hand before she smiles again.

"What are you two going to do?" she turns to look behind at Baz. He's still taking to his friends; grinning as Dev stabs his food with a knife. "Are you going to tell people?" I blink at Baz before I look back at Penny. "I don't know," I admit, biting the inside of my cheek. "I haven't really thought about that yet, I guess."

"Well," Penny shrugs before she grins brightly. "I'll always love you." I smile. 

"I'll always love you too." I look down at our still joined hands. "Are you going to continue to hold my hand for the whole of dinner?" I ask, arching an eyebrow. 

"I'm going to keep holding it until you're okay with letting go," she says calmly before she sips her tea, crinkling her nose before she sits it down. My heart swells. Everyone should have a Penny in her life. I squeeze her hand, but I don't let go. "I guess now I can say that Ander is the fittest person on that show," I smile. Penny laughs. 

"Agreed."

*

 

I spend the rest of dinner watching Baz. I grin when he blows me back a kiss, especially because I can tell he hates it when he rolls those eyes and a flush of red sweeps up his neck. I grin when he grins as Niall hugs him. And I frown when he frowns as Agatha appears at our table. She looks tired. Her eyes have bags under them, and her face is gaunt. She doesn't have any makeup on and she's pulled her white hair into a ponytail.

"Hey, Agatha," Penny tries. "How are you?" Agatha doesn't say anything, just narrows her eyes at me and Penny's joined hands. I bite my lip as I pull mine out of Penny's. Agatha pushes her tongue into her cheek, still looking at the space where are hands had been. If there's anyone she should be worrying about, it definitely isn't Penny. I let myself look over at Baz. He's frowning, his grey eyes dark and stormy as he watches us. The muscle in his jaw is twitching as he grips his fork tightly.

"I'm pretty shit actually," Agatha says finally, her throat bobbing. I clench my jaw as she asks Penny, "Did you know he was cheating on me?"

"Agatha-" I start, trying to keep my voice calm, aware that everyone at the table is watching us silently. "I didn't cheat on you."

"But you're gay, right?" she says, her eyes watering. "That was what your obsession was. You didn't want to kill Baz, you wanted to fuck him!"

My face goes bright red and my heart starts pounding against my chest so hard that I think I might die. "Agatha, please," I plead, my voice breaking. "Let's go somewhere else and talk about it, _please_ ," I beg, my hands shaking as I stand up.

"You lied to me, Simon," she says, her eyes watering. "You told me you wanted him _dead_. That you were trying to show everyone that he's a monster. Not that you and him were going around kissing. You lied to me," she cries, punching me in the chest. I hold back a growl. It hurts, because Agatha's pretty strong, but the pain's more due to what she's saying. "Holly saw you both two weeks ago, the same night you told me you didn't love me anymore. How long has this been going on? How long have you been lying to me?"

"I didn't lie to you," I say again, holding her wrist when she goes to hit me again. "I didn't cheat on you."

"You've been fucking him for months," she snarls, her eyes full of pain and regret and hatred. All aimed at me. I gulp, too aware of everyone's eyes on us. 

"I think you should stop making a scene, Wellbelove." A cool, calm voice comes from behind me. Me and Agatha turn to see Baz standing there, hands casually in his front pockets as he cocks his head at Agatha, smiling lightly. How is he so calm right now? I feel like I'm dying.

"Fuck off," Agatha snarls, tears dripping down her face. "You're a dick, Basilton. You're a monster and a coward." She turns back to me before she pulls her arm away. She cradles her hand, as if I'd burned her. "I hope you're both happy together," she says coldly, jaw clenched. 

"Oh, we are, Wellbelove," Baz says as he walks to my side, Agatha taking a step back. "Good night," he says before he slides into the chair next to mine. I stay standing. Agatha and I stay still, both of us staring at each other for a moment. She breaks the gaze as she blinks her tears away. "You're a prick, Simon," she says before her eye slip to Baz. He's watching us carefully and his face is still a cast of cold indifference, but I can feel the anger in his veins. "But you deserve better than _that_." I watch as Baz's jaw clenches and his eyes narrow. "You shouldn't be with a monster."

"I'll see you tomorrow," Penny says to Agatha, urging her to leave.

"You deserve someone better," Agatha breathes before she starts to walk past me. "You deserve someone alive, with a soul." 

I just stand still as she walks away. Baz snarls at everyone to mind their own fucking business before I let him tug me back into my seat. I can't believe that just happened. This must be hell. My own personal hell. I can't believe Agatha would do that to me. I'm in fucking hell. "I'm sorry," Penny starts but I just shake my head. 

"Let's not talk about it." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter was too long, leave a comment below if you liked this chapter :)


	12. Souls and Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re the fucking sun.”

SIMON

"I'm sorry," I blurt out once me and Baz are back in our room, safe from peering eyes and whispers. Baz looks at me as he dumps his blazer onto his bed, his grey eyes watching me carefully.

"Why are you sorry?" he asks, shaking his head. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"It's my fault. I should've talked to Agatha earlier. Then maybe she wouldn’t have outed us to the whole school.” My throat bobs as I fall down onto my bed, running a tired hand down my face.

“It was kind of a dick move for her to do that,” Baz agrees, sitting down next to me. I snort before I shuffle, plopping my head in his lap. 

“I told Penny,” I breathe as Baz runs his hands through my hair. “About us. Before the whole school found out. Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have-” Baz shakes his head, his hair falling in his face before he bends down and presses a kiss to my nose. “No, that’s amazing, Simon.” He grins down at me, tapping his finger along my jaw. “I’m proud of you.”

I snort before I push him over, Baz snorting before he falls over, almost toppling off of the bed. “Never thought I’d here you say those words to me.” I say it as a joke but I frown when Baz pales slightly, looking away from me. “What?” I ask, shuffling closer to him. “What did I do?” I ask as I watch his sad eyes peer up at me.

“Nothing,” he shakes his head, a forced smile on his lips. “You couldn’t ever do anything wrong, Simon. I just...” He trails off, biting his lip.

“You just what?” I breathe, my hand on the back of Baz’s neck.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, looking down at his lap. “For treating you like shit all these years. And trying to kill you,” he adds sheepishly. I sigh with relief. 

“Is that it?” I ask, smiling. Baz arches an eyebrow at me. “I tried to kill you too. So what? We’re past that. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to kill me anymore, and I don’t want to kill you. I’m pretty sure I’d rather you lived so I can kiss you.” I grin when Baz gives a huff of amusement. “I really like you, Baz,” I breathe, twirling his hair in my fingers.

“I really like you, Simon,” he whispers. Then my hands are lost in his hair and his hands are tugging my shirt off and then we’re kissing. 

 

*

 

The clock tower outside strikes eleven, but Baz doesn’t stop, and I don’t want him to. Baz has taken my face in his hands and he’s kissing me furiously. He hasn’t stopped kissing me. His mouth hasn’t stopped kissing me everywhere; up and down my neck, along my jaw, on my chin, on my lips.

I shudder under his touch. Baz’s good at this, the way he keeps kissing me is making me forget my own fucking name. My hands are around Baz’s waist, and I keep pulling him closer, because I need Baz close to him. Need his warmth.

Baz pulls away from my lips, and starts kissing the moles that trailed from my jaw to his neck, one by one. Baz’s always talking about those moles. They're like a constellation, he’ll say. But normally Baz just traces them with his fingers, he's never kissed them before. 

"Like a constellation," he murmurs now, leaning his head into my neck as my fingers make their way under Baz’s shirt, tracing his muscles. "You're so goddamn beautiful, Simon Snow." I press my forehead against Baz’s and kiss the side of his mouth.

"You're the fucking sun," I breathe as Baz’s fingers pause, lingering on my stomach. He makes a noise like a mix of a snort and a sigh, before he pulls me into a deep kiss, his hands running through my hair. My fingers brush against his thigh, and Baz shudders into the kiss, before pulling away.

Baz’s panting, his chest falling and rising heavily. His hair’s a mess and his lips are slightly swollen. His pale skin seems to be glowing and the burns and scars on his body only make him more beautiful. Baz laughs softly, his head falling on my shoulder as he wraps his arms around me, hugging me tight.

"Simon Snow,” he mutters into my neck, still panting.

"Baz," I grin, surprised to hear that my own voice is raspy, before I pull Baz onto my lap. We stay like that for a few seconds, both of us panting as we hold onto each other tightly.

"Simon?" Baz asks, his breath warm against my neck.

"Mhhh?" I say, running my hands down Baz’s back.

"Have you ever done it before?”

My throat bobs. "Yes," I nod before I shake my head and say, "No."

Baz pulls away from me, and meets my eyes. "Yes _or_ no?" he asks as he furrows his eyebrows, his warm arms still around me.

"I mean, yeah, I have. But not...not like this," I say, watching as Baz bites his lip.

"Not with a boy," he mutters, looking away, his eyes falling down, as if he’s ashamed.

"Not when I loved the person," I whisper, bringing up Baz’s chin with my hand. Our eyes met, blue furiously clashing against grey.

"What?" Baz asks, his grey eyes wide and confused, as if he didn’t hear what I said.

"I said, _'Not when I loved the person,_ " I repeat honestly, running my fingers down Baz’s cheeks. He looks up at me, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly parted.

"You-"

"Shu'p," I smirk, rolling my eyes berode I grab Baz’s neck and pull him into a kiss. This one’s more gentle compared to the others. They were passionate and hungry, but this one...this one’s so soft and longing. I can almost feel Baz’s heart as I dig my fingers into his hair.

I groan slightly when Baz pulls away, and open my eyes to see Baz staring up at me warily. "I love you," I proclaim, purely because it feels really good to say it, especially now, especially when I’m  saying it to the person I really do  _love_. I expect Baz to say it back, I do not expect him to shake his head.

"I know," Baz say, quietly. His hands are shaking. "I think I spent a while being scared of that." He looks up with a hint of a smile. "I don't have a lot of experience with love. I don't want to mess it up. You're... _experienced_ , you had Wellbelove."

"I didn't _love_ her though, Baz," I object, my brows furrowing.

"You still _had_ her. I'm not... _good_ at love. Not like you. I don’t have a friend like Penny that I love. I barely speak to my family. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m not _good_ at this.” 

I bite the inside of my cheek. "I didn't realise it was a skill that had to be learned," I say softly as my hands fall from Baz’s shoulders to his side.

" _See_ , you're good at it," Baz sighs  as he retches out, intertwining our fingers. "But I'd...I _want_ to get better at it. With you."

"What stopped you? What stopped you from being scared?" I ask, running a hand through my hair.

"Nothing," Baz shurts, running his tongue over his teeth. "Fuck, I'm _terrified_. But you'll be doing it alongside me, so how bad can it be?" 

"For someone who's bad at love, Baz. That was pretty perfect,' I grun, leaning into Baz as I wrap my arms around his neck.

"Maybe you're rubbing off on me," Baz smirks, brushing a strand of blonde curl out of my face. And even though he doesn’t say it back, I tell myself that’s fine. Because it is. I love Baz enough for the both of us.

 

BAZ

I spend the night in Simon’s bed. Nothing happens. Well, nothing more than kissing and whispering. But just lying down next to Simon, his pure warmth radiating off of him, stops me from sleeping. Simon manages to sleep (becuase he could fall asleep literally anywhere), and he drifts off holding my hand, his fingers curled around mine. Fuck. He said he loves me. Simon Snow fucking loves me. And I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him.

I squint as I looked over at the window. It’s morning now, and we didn’t shut the blinds last night, so the bright light’s shining in my eyes. The almost white light is shinning down on Simon, making it seem like he‘s glowing, like an angel. He practically is an angel. He‘s practically perfect. I shift onto my side and smile softly as I watch Simon. Our legs are tangled up, and Simon’s arm is lying over my waist. Somehow (I can’t remember how), my shirt and trousers have disappeared, as have Simon’s.

My eyes wander down to Simon’s bare chest. He’s not ripped, but you can see the muscles in his stomach. I’m pretty sure it’s because Simon doesn’t eat when he’s stressed out. He has moles and freckles on his chest, and they make him look poxed when he hasn’t eaten anything for a while. My breath hitches when my eyes wander down to the light pink scar in the middle of his stomach. 

"What's that?" I had asked last night, tracing my fingers lightly down the scar.

"A scar," Simon muttered, running his hands over my shoulders. I rolled my eyes and lightly flicked him. "Oww." Simon had whispered, throwing me one of those fucking smirks. 

" _How_ did you get it?" I asked, drumming his fingers on Simon’s stomach. 

"A fight...at one of the...care homes. It was last year." I had been expecting Simon to tell me about one of his great fights with the Humdrum, I hadn’t been expecting that.

"You were in a _fight_?" I asked in disbelief. 

"I can fight," Simon muttered, wrapping his arms around me, his hands lying on the back of my neck.

"What did they say to you?" I asked. “To make you fight them?”

"The usual,” Simon yawned, rubbing his eyes. “That I’m a freak who can barely read. That I have no friends. That my parents gave me up becuase I’m so fucked. That the school I go to is for fucking retards. That my mum was probably a whore. That I should be glad she gave me up so I didn’t have to disappoint her. The usual spiel. I was just a bit tired of it.”

“You’re staying with me this summer. You’re not going back there,” I growled. 

Simon laughed softly, and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Nice thought Baz, but I'm pretty sure your dad would have something to say about the Chosen One staying at your house.

”Don’t care,” I grunted. Before I held the side of Simon’s face in his hand. "You’re staying with me. And I’m sure that your mum...she loves you, Simon. Wherever she is. S’impossible to not love you.”

Simon nodded, and leaned into my hand, before placing his own hand on top of mine. "I would've loved to meet your mum."

"She would've loved you," I nodded as Simon ran a hand down his chest. 

"Your turn," Simon said, his light touch sending electricity through my body

I furrowed his eyebrows. "My turn for what?"

Simon looked up, but kept his hand on my bare chest. "How did you get your battle wounds?"

I swallowed, not wanting to talk about my past or my fucked up issues, not when I was that happy. If I brought up the vampire situation, it would've been like getting the world's best ice cream, then dropping it on the dirty and shitty ground. But I hadn’t wanted to lie to Simon, and it wasn't like he was going to let a question slide, he ‘s fucking relentless.

"When I first started having these frenzies,” I started, looking away from Simon. “Craving...blood. I didn’t know what else to do, how to make it stop. So I just curled into a ball and scratched myself, trying to distract myself. I just wanted it to stop. And I was young, and me and Father has never talked about it, so I had no fucking idea what was happening. Father found out later and just casually told me there would always be deer in the woods if I needed them. It’s so fucked up. I’m so fucked. I shouldn’t have told you that, I’m sorry. I just-”

"You did this?"

"Yeah."

" _All of them_?" Simon asked, snatching his hand back from my chest, as he looked down at all of him. I do have quite a lot of scars. Not all from that, but also from fights in school and spells gone wrong. None are really on my face, most are on my stomach and arms, and I guess I just got used to them over time. I’ve stopped the scratching and hitting. I’m able to control it. But it took years for me to stop being terrified of myself. Of the things I could do. Of the things I could maybe do by mistake to my father, or Fiona, or Daphne and my sisters. Of the sheer power I possessed. 

"Most of them." 

"Shit," Simon said softly, his hand wavering close to me. " _Shit_ , Baz. Why didn't you tell me?" 

I shook my head and shrugged, letting Simon take my hand into his own. "Cause it doesn't matter."

"Yeah, it does," Simon whispered, the only thing lighting his face had been the moonlight from outside the open window. 

"No. It doesn't. Because if I let myself think about it when I'm here, it wins. This is my place. Here, in this room, my fangs don’t exist, they cannot get to me here. They don’t own me. They don’t define me. _It_  can't touch me while I'm here. If I let myself feel sorry for myself, if I cry and lick my wounds, then they _win._ The creaturesthat took my mother from me and made me a monster _, win._  And I am not going to let them do that to me. I won't let them have that power over me."

"Fuck them," Simon whispered, pulling me against him. My eyes had started to water, and my throat had clenched. I’d let myself shake when Simon had pulled me into a hug, wrapping his arms around me, running his hands through my hair. I had sighed and leaned into Simon. 

But Agatha’s words echo in my soul as I watch Simon sleep, the morning sun lighting his features.

_You deserve better than that._

_You shouldn't be with a monster._

_You deserve someone alive, someone with a soul._

”Just because I said I love you, doesn’t mean you can watch me sleep, you stalker," Simon murmurs, opening one eye at a time as he grins sleepily up at me. 

"Shut up," I grin, hitting Simon in the face with a pillow. "Sometimes I hate you,” I grin as Simon pushes himself up onto his elbows.

He shakes his head and his golden curls hair fall into his face. "No you don't, Baz. You really, really, really, really, really like me.”

"I really like you," I nod, kissing Simon quickly on the lips before I stand up, stretching out my arms.

"You better. I'm a fucking miracle," Simon laughs, spreading out onto the bed, his arms falling off the side of the bed as he stretches his legs out. 

_You deserve better than that._

_You shouldn’t be with a monster._

_You deserve someone alive, someone with a soul._

“Yeah,” I smile softly, looking down at Simon with his sleepy smile and bright blue eyes and moles and freckles and golden hair. “You are.”

And you deserve someone alive, Simon. Someone with a soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry if it’s too long for you guys, let me know :)


	13. Boyfriends and Ballet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You are not alone, Baz. Please trust me. You're not alone. You hear me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a long one but you guys didn't seem to mind last time, so here we go :)

SIMON

"Hey," I grin as Baz walks out of his English class, shouldering his bag. I like Baz's bag. It's dark green and I'm pretty sure it's Swedish or something like that. I like Baz wearing his bag. I like Baz. I'm pretty sure I love Baz.

"Hi." He smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes. I go to ask him what's wrong when he slips his hand into mine and tugs me into the empty corridor to our left. As I notice the slightly burned wallpaper, I realise with a start that this is the corridor with all of the headmasters' portraits. I glance around for Baz's mum's portrait but it's missing from it's spot. I sneak a look at Baz but he hasn't seemed to notice. I jump up onto a window seat, my legs knocking the wall as I swing them. I watch Baz as he dumps his bag onto the floor before sitting next to me. His legs reach the ground. I like Baz's legs. I like Baz. I'm pretty sure I love Baz.

He tosses his hair to the side before he turns to face me. He's pretty much all healed from the dragon, but he's still got a couple red marks on his arms and face. And then he's got the marks on his body that I left there. 

"How was class?" I ask, tilting my head as I grin at Baz. I can't help grinning when I'm with Baz. I keep having to stop thinking about all the time we wasted because it makes my heart ache a little bit. If I'd known this was what being with Baz felt like I would've kissed him years ago. "We have," Baz glances down at his watch before he looks back up at me, arching an eyebrow. "Fifteen minutes before our next class, and you want to talk about Macbeth and how the Weird Sisters changed the World of Mages forever?"

I push my tongue into my cheek before I shuffle over closer to him. "I guess I can think of better things to do," I murmur, gazing at Baz's eyes. I like Baz's eyes. I like Baz. I think grey might be my new favourite colour. But I still slightly when that flash of pain paints Baz's eyes again. It's only for a second...but still, it's enough to make me worry. And I'm ashamed to admit as soon as Baz's lips meet mine I forget about his eyes. I forget about the Humdrum and failing exams and the scars on Baz's shoulder and Agatha and the dragon that almost killed us. I forget about everything that keeps me from sleeping because when Baz's hands end up on my neck, it's just me and him. And I want it to just be me and him forever.

I kiss Baz because I can try and figure him out tomorrow and have this today.

So hot. It's so hot, and my head's spinning, and I'm falling and spiraling out of control because Baz's lips are fucking beautiful. “Why-” I interrupt the kiss, letting myself ask him something that's been eating at me for a while. “Why do you kiss me back? Why do you even keep me around?”

Baz plants both his hands on my face and looked into my eyes for what seems like an eternity. Say something. Say something, I silently beg, terrified that maybe I've fucked this all up. And when Baz speaks, when he finally says something, it tears me apart at the seams little bit.

“Because sometimes I feel like you’re as broken as me.”                                                           

My throat bobs as I run my hand down Baz's neck. Then he bends over slightly, falling into me. We're silent for a moment, my heart thudding too fast and Baz's thudding too slow. "I've got you," I breathe, my head nestled in his hair. "You're not alone. I'm here."

 

BAZ

When Simon places his warm hands on my freezing cheeks, I can't help but melt into him. Into the warmth of the palm of his hand, into the soft touch of his fingertips and the gentle kiss he places on my cheek. I can tell Simon's got that sad look on his face, the look that turns up every time I take too long to answer a question or if I'm silent for too long. I can’t bring myself to look up into his sad eyes.

 _I can’t believe you’re here. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you._  

Simon brings his warm hand to my chin, gently lifting my head up to meet his eyes and suddenly I'm instantly reliving every single time I've looked into those eyes. Those eyes are the reason why blue is my favourite colour.

Blue eyes, surprised and a little embarrassed as he presses his lips to mine for the first time. Blue eyes, curious and lustful as he holds my gaze as he kisses his girlfriend in the dark pub. Blue eyes, open and determined, so many times when they’ve conquered things no one should have to conquer - no parents, no family or friends, no home, being pushed head first into a world he knew nothing about, being the spearhead of countless wars.

Simon kisses me softly.

“You are not alone, Baz. Please trust me. You're not alone. You hear me?”

I hear him. And I really want to believe him too. I let my eyes meet Simon's again. This time more trusting, more calm. Because while it might still sometimes feel like I'm free falling, like my emotions are running wild and the adrenaline pumping through my veins might tear me apart, somehow looking into those eyes is  _grounding me_.

I place my hands on top of Simon's.

 _Thank you._

I might not be brave, but Simon is. And maybe that’s enough?  _Maybe,_  at least for now, Simon can be brave enough for us both. Together. Maybe it has to be enough.

 

SIMON

"Have you seen Baz?" 

My throat bobs when Niall and Dev turn to face me. It took me ten minutes to gather up the courage to leave me and Penny's table and talk to Baz's friends. There's a moment of silence and for a second I think they might both punch me but then Dev gestures for me to sit down. I slip into the space that I know is normally Baz's, drumming my fingers on the bench. "How are you doing, Snow?" Dev asks politely as he watches me with his dark eyes. 

"Fine. I guess," I shrug, slightly irritated. "I just want to find Baz."

"Why?" Niall asks me through a mouth stuffed with mash potatoes. 

"Just... _because_ ," I frown. "What's it to you?" I want to find Baz because I've not seen him all day, and I can't get the image of his face the other day. His broken, sad grey eyes.

"He's our _friend_ ," Niall glowers, lowering his eyebrows. "And he was our friend before he became your boyfriend." I feel my cheeks blush slightly at that. That's the first time someone's called Baz my boyfriend. "So," Niall starts and I still when him and Dev both pick up the knives beside their plates. "If you hurt him, Snow," Niall warns, the knife tight in his hand. 

"We won't even hesitate before killing you," Dev finishes with a friendly smile before he stabs the knife into the beef on his plate. I see where Baz gets his extra-ness from. 

"I'm not going to hurt him," I say defensively, folding my arms as I stare Dev down. But he just shrugs before he goes back to cutting up his carrots. 

"Good," he smiles. "Murder is rather pesky. Best to avoid it." Then they both start talking about rugby, as if I'm not here. I sit still for a couple of minutes, listening as I try to understand what just happened. "So, Snow," Dev asks. "Favourite rugby team?" I blink before I shrug.

"I'm not really into rugby," I say, awkwardly scratching the back of my neck. 

"Ah, sorry," Niall nods at me. "Forgot you lived with chavs when you're not here. You're probably into football and getting pissed right? Do you steal from Asda?" I roll my eyes before I stand up.

"If you're not going to tell me where he is, I'm just going to leave."

"Toodles," Niall smiles brightly before he turns back to Dev. 

"Why won't you just tell me?" I ask, frustrated and exasperated. 

"Cause he's in one of his angsty, sad moods," Dev sighs, looking up at me. 

"What?" I shake my head, not understanding. "Just tell me where he is, for fuck's sake."

"Look Snow," Niall starts in a calm tone. They're so fucking annoying, Crowley. "All we know is that our friend is acting miserable today. And we think it's your fault," he adds, gesturing at me with his fork.

"I didn't do anything. I just want to help," I say, my voice bordering on begging. I watch as Dev and Niall share a look. "He mentioned something about being broken today," I say, fiddling with the hem of my sleeve. "And I haven't seen him since. I just want to make sure he's okay."

"Sometimes Baz gets...sad," Dev says, the humour and amusement and my expense gone instantly. "Baz just doesn't..." Dev sighs frustratedly, as if he doesn't know how to tell me this. "Baz sometimes does this self-destructive thing but tries to tell us he's okay and he's just tired. But sometimes...sometimes Baz starts to hate himself. He's had a pretty shit life and sometimes that all dawns on him at once. And it's a lot. But he'll get over it. He always does. So you just have to try and...be there for him. Don't push him. Or tell him it's all going to be okay. Just sit with him. And tell him you're there. That's all he needs." 

I nod, biting my bottom lip, scared that they won't tell me where he is. "He said he was going for a smoke," Niall says begrudgingly. "He's probably in the English corridor." I nod before I start to walk off. "You're welcome!" I hear Niall call from behind me.

"Remember what we said, Snow!" Dev shouts as I roll my eyes."Don't you dare hurt him!" I just shove up the middle finger before I push open the doors and run towards the English corridor.

 

*

 

I find Baz sitting on a window ledge, smoking out of the open window. "You're flammable," I say softly, grabbing the cigarette from his hand. He tilts his head at me. "And cigarettes are icky."

"Are you five?" Baz smiles, going to grab the cigarette back but I hold it above my head. He twists slightly, arching an eyebrow at me. He sighs when I stub it out and chuck it out of the window. He shifts over when I jump up onto the ledge, sitting next to him. He looks up, those grey eyes meeting mine. I smile brightly, letting him know I'm here and he smiles back, but we can both tell it's forced. I go to look back down when Baz whispers something.

"It was me."

I arch an eyebrow, not really sure what he's on about. "What was you?" He doesn't reply for a moment, just tightly clutches the pen in his hand.

"My mum's portrait," he breathes, looking away from me. _Holy fuck_. "I don't really know why I even did it," he continues, his voice wavering. "But I couldn't stand it being here. I couldn't stand looking at it."

"Baz," I start, putting a soft hand on his shoulder. He just shakes his head.

"She would've hated me," he breathes, and the sight of a single tear rolling down his cheek breaks me. It completely fucking destroys me. "She chose death over being turned into one of them," he says, looking up at me with wide and ashamed eyes. "She chose death over becoming like me. She would be so ashamed to think that her son is one of them. That her son is a fucking monster." There's anger in his breaking voice. Anger and pain and regret. And I don't know how to get rid of the pain he's feeling. I'm completely helpless. "It should've been me," he shakes his head. "I should've died. Not her."

"Don't say that," I say, surprised at the calmness of my own voice as I plant my hans on either side of Baz's shaking face. "Please, don't say that, Baz."

"It's true," he mumbles. He goes to look away, but I keep my hands on his. 

"It's not," I say strongly, softly brushing the tears on his face away with my knuckles. "It's not true. And your mum would be disappointed that her son hates himself so much that he daydreams about dying. She wouldn't care that you're a vampire," I say. "Trust me, Baz." I keep going, even though Baz is staring down at his feet. I slip my hand into his, "She would be so proud of you. I know I am. You're so fucking smart and brave and strong. You're strong, Baz." He just blinks slowly. 

"I know it's hard," I say, biting my bottom lip, remembering what Niall and Dev told me. "But I'm here. You're not alone. And I'm proud of you. My brilliant, beautiful, strong boyfriend."

"Your boyfriend," Baz repeats after a moment of silence, looking up to meet my eyes. 

"I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry," I murmur, looking away awkwardly as I scratch the back of my neck.

"No," Baz smiles lightly. "I like it."

"I like you," I say, brushing my fingers down his face. He looks like he's going to say something, but then he shuts his mouth and wraps his arms around me instead. I let him lean into me, wrapping my arms around his waist. I know he doesn't feel safe right now, or like he's worth anything, but I'm going to keep telling him he's worth everything until he starts to believe it. 

 

*

 

It's been two days since Baz told me he burned down his mum's portrait. Two days of him lying in his bed, not really moving, not really talking and not really speaking.

I don't push him. And I don't pester him. Just like Dev and Niall told me.

I just let him sleep when he wants to sleep. I let him eat some of the food I bring upstairs but I let him leave some of it too. And when he sat down next to me on Friday night and leaned his head on my shoulder, I let him do that too.

The first time he properly speaks is on Saturday. I walk out of the bathroom, wearing my too small fleece pants and drying my damp hair. I blink as I take in Baz standing against our window, cigarette in his hand. He's not in his bed, or sitting on mine, which is a surprise. A good surprise. I think this might count as progress. _Progress_.

"I didn't know you could sing," he says faintly, raking a tired hand through his hair. He looks like shit, not that I'm going to tell him that. He's too thin, he's too pale and he seems to have bags tattooed under his eyes. I watch as he puts the cigarette out before throwing it out of the window.

"Everyone can sing," I shrug, drying my wet hair off with a towel. I didn't even realise that Baz would be able to hear me singing in the shower. At least that's what I'd thought when I turned the Hamilton soundtrack up.

"Fine," he rolls his eyes, but he's smiling. "I didn't know you could sing well." 

"I can do lots of things you don't now about, Basilton," I grin, taking a step closer. The tips of his lips curve up into a soft smile. 

"Tell me all the things you're good at, Snow," he says, biting his bottom lip as I take another step across the room. I don't want to scare him away, don't want to move too quickly, so I stay where I am, dripping on the floor.

"I can play Fur Elise on the piano." I grin when Baz arches an eyebrow in disbelief. "Penny taught me. It's the only thing I can play though, so don't start fantasising about your pianist boyfriend." Baz gives a huff of amusement before he takes a small step forward. "Your turn."

"What?" He cocks his head, smiling slightly.

"Tell me something you're good at." Baz sighs before he frowns. 

"Simon, I-"

"Don't try and cheat, Baz. That's not how the game works. I tell you something I'm good at and you tell me something you're good at." He pushes his tongue into his cheek, looking down at his hands and for a moment I think he might refuse but then he says, "I can always make Mordelia laugh if she's upset." I grin brightly when he takes another small step towards me, fidgeting with his jumper's sleeves. He's wearing a pair of my jogging bottoms (because he apparently doesn't own any) and a white wooden jumper that he grabbed from the bottom of his cupboard. "Your turn," he says when I don't say anything. I'm too busy smiling. Because I'm pretty sure this counts as progress.

"I can say the alphabet backwards."

I take another step towards him.

"I can make spaghetti."

He takes another step towards me.

"I'm good at getting dogs to like me."

He grins at that one. And then he takes another step forward.

"I'm amazing at Mario Kart."

Another step.

"Sudoku."

Another step.

"Rolling cigarettes."

Another step.

"Remembering people's names."

"Swearing in French."

"Swearing in English."

"I used to do ballet. Got to Grade four."

"You did? Fuck that's cute."

"Still your turn Snow."

"I'm good at kissing."

"Debatable. I'm good at reading."

"I'm good at answering the phone."

"Wrapping presents."

"I can make really nice oatmeal biscuits." 

"No one likes oatmeal biscuits."

"You've not had _my_  oatmeal biscuits, Basilton."

By the time we reach each other in the middle of the room, Baz has said eight things he's good at. I grin up at him as he watches me warily, the humour from a second ago gone. "Your turn," I breathe, blinking up at him.

"I'm good at liking you," he says, his throat bobbing. "At liking _us_."

"What a coincidence," I grin, letting my arms rest on his shoulders. "I'm pretty fucking good at that too." He laughs hoarsely before he pushes his lips against mine. I lean my forehead against his, my left hand on the back of his neck and my right hand tangled up in his hair. As he wraps his arms around my waist, I open my mouth, kissing Baz back furiously. He tastes like mint gum and coffee.

"I missed you," Baz breathes into the kiss. I can hear the raw hurt in his voice. 

"I'm here." Is all I say, tightening my hold on him before I kiss him lightly. "I'm always going to be here." He nods, smiling into the kiss. "But no more smoking," I add. "Flammable."

"No more smoking," he agrees before he pulls me back into the kiss and my mind goes blissfully blank. One day, I'm going to taste Baz's spaghetti. I'm going to play against him in Mario Kart and I'm going to see him dance and I'm going to bake him my biscuits. And I'm going to keep loving him.

 

*

 

"Simon."

I don't even realise someone's calling my name until they grab my arm. I'm walking with Penny, and although she's talking, I'm not really listening. I'm thinking about Baz, all alone with his thoughts up in our room. He didn't come to class today although he told me he'd probably be in tomorrow. He's better, I think. Progress.

I blink when I turn around and see Agatha standing there, her pale hand on my wrist. "Uh. Hey," I say, looking at Penny, who's also staring at Agatha with wide eyes.

"Hey, Penny," Agatha smiles lightly before turning back to me, dropping my arm. "I owe you an apology," she says.

"Oh," is all I manage to get out. For a moment, I'm glad Baz is up in our room. Unable to spell Agatha's mouth shut or actually just kill her.

"What I said wasn't fair. At all. And I'm sorry." I just nod slowly, scratching the back of my neck. "I was angry at...at you. But I, well, I guess I got over it. We didn't really work together, did we?" I shake my head slowly, still slightly confused as to what's happening. "I guess we were just dating out of feelings of obligation. And I'm sorry I got so angry at you. I really am." I slightly balk at that. "It took me a while," she smiles softly and I'm pretty sure it's sincere. "But I'm happy for you. And Baz," she adds, shouldering her bag. "I was actually looking for him too," she looks to my side, as if she expects him to be with me and Penny. "To apologise. What I said was cruel. And wrong."

"He's uh...he's ill," I shrug. 

"Well, I'll tell him when he's better." She bites the bottom of her lip, fidgeting with her skirt. "I'm really sorry, Simon. But I...I hope we can be friends again. I uh, I've missed you. Not really as my boyfriend. But as my friend. I've missed Simon Snow." It's only when Agatha says that, that I realise I've missed her too. As a friend. Cause we were friends before we dated. And Agatha's a great person. And I just...miss her too.

"I miss you too," I nod lightly, trying to smile.

"Well, I've got Alchemy," she runs her tongue over her teeth. "So, I've got to run. But I'll see you later," she says as she pats my shoulder. "I'll talk to you later, Penny," she grins at Penny before she walks away, her long, blonde hair swishing being her. Me and Penny just stand in silence for a moment watching Agatha until she turns the corner. 

"She apologised," I say as I slowly turn to face Penny. Who's _grinning_.

"I knew she would," Penny shrugs before she starts walking towards Latin. I roll my shoulders back before I turn around, following Penny. "Lots of people just bullshit apologies," she says to me as we walk down the corridor. I look down at her, trying to ignore everyone's stares. I'm used to people watching me because I'm the _Chosen One_ , but I'm not used to being stared at because I have a boyfriend. "But I'm pretty sure everything Agatha said was sincere."

"Are you saying I should forgive her?" I ask, because I actually don't really know.

"I'm not saying you should do anything. But I know Agatha, and what she said to you and Baz was horrible and cruel but I think, I think she is really sorry." I just nod, running my tongue over my teeth. Penny smiles softly, but she drops it and asks about Baz instead. "How is he?" 

"He's...sleeping, a lot. And he's not really eating. But he's talking. And he laughed this morning." 

"That's good," she smiles, lightly bumping my arm. "You're a good boyfriend, Si." I snort. 

"I don't know if that's true. But, we're...good. It's good." I smile, because me and Baz _are_ good. For the first time in five years. And I'll be here for him, no matter how long it takes. Because I've always been there for him, and I'm not going to stop now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and as always, leave a comment if you liked it :)


	14. Sundaes and Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.”

SIMON

"Father, this is Simon Snow. My boyfriend."

The way Baz says it makes me think that him and his father might have rehearsed this over the phone. And when Mr Pitch smiles at me, his lips tight, with a small nod, it kind of confirms it. "Nice to meet you, Simon," his dad says as he holds his hand out to me. 

"Thanks for having me," I smile back, shaking his hand, while I hold my trunk in the other. I hear Baz let out a sigh of relief from beside me before he nods at his dad. 

"Well, I'm going to show Simon around now," Baz says to his dad before he picks up his truck and gently steers me away from his dad, towards a grand staircase. I still can't really believe Baz lives in a mansion. It's literally a castle. "We'll see later, father," Baz calls back as we walk up the stairs. When we finally reach the top, and his father's no longer watching us, Baz turns and grins up at me, dropping his trunk onto the ground. "That went better than expected."

"What were you expecting?" I ask, tilting my head.

"For him to maybe kidnap you and hold you hostage until the Mage comes to see his side of things." I smirk, pushing my tongue into my cheek. 

"That would be unfortunate," I nod solemnly, taking a step towards him. "But I highly doubt your dad'll kidnap me."

"Then you don't know my family," he sighs, frowning lightly. The flash of sadness creeps into his eyes and I try not to frown in response. The sad eyes are appearing less and less, and when they do it's only for a moment. We're getting through it. We're getting through it together. 

"Maybe not," I nod. "But I know you," I shrug, kissing him quickly. "And that's why I'm here, right? Get to know the family." Baz north before he gestures for me to follow him. 

"You're here because I'm not letting you get beaten up by chavvy Normals anymore," he tells me as we walk through twisting corridors with high ceilings, chandeliers and wallpaper that looks like paintings. "I like your face the way it is," he says when we reach a large wooden door. "I don't want you getting your nose broken," he adds as he pushes the door open. "And this your room."

Like hell it is.

"Nope," I shake my head as I take one look at the large bedroom. There's a dragon painted on the archway and it's glowing eyes are following me as I stand in the threshold, Baz dropping my trunk onto the bed. My eyes widen when the bed starts to moan and click, the bedposts shaking. 

"What do you mean, nope?" Baz looks up at me, arching an eyebrow.

"I am not staying in here for seven weeks, Baz. It's creepy," I say firmly, folding my arms.

"The whole house is creepy," he shrugs but he walks out of the room anyway, and tells me to follow. "You can stay in my room." When he turns to face me, his eyes are wide and his cheeks are flushed. "Not like that. I just mean that my bed is big and there’s enough space for a...suitable space between us and we...it’s not like I’m asking you to do anything.”

“You’re cute,” I smile, smiling even harder when Baz’s throat bobs, awkwardly scratching his neck. 

“C’mon,” he murmurs, rolling his eyes as he starts to walk down the corridor. I stand still for a moment, trunk clasped in my hand as I watch him. “C’mon Snow,” he calls again as he looks over his shoulder. I grin as I chase after him through his creepy and eloquent corridors, a ray of hope running through me. I have high hopes for this summer. For the first time in my life, I’m looking forward to the rest of my summer holidays.

 

*

 

 

“I’m not watching a horror movie in this house,” I object when Baz suggests watching It. We’re on his bed, me lying on my stomach, Baz sitting up, knees in a basket, his laptop in front of us, a bowl of ice cream sundae beside it. I’ve almost finished it. Baz has barely had any. We’ve spent the past half an hour arguing about what film to watch.

“You’re actually scared?” he asks, grinning. 

“Your bed has gargoyles on it,” I object, pointing at the monstrous carvings in his bed. Baz snorts before he falls down onto his back. I shuffle up so I’m lying beside him. I pick up his hand and intertwine them on my stomach. “I can’t believe you’re really here,” Baz shakes his head lightly.

“I’m really here,” I grin as I nod. 

“And you’re happy? Here? With me?” 

“Of course I am,” I smile softly, pushing myself up into my elbows to watch him. 

“I’m happy too,” Baz says, letting his head fall to the side to meet my eyes. I bend down, pushing my lips against his. He groans lightly, his hands on my neck. When I pull away, he groans again, but this time I’m pretty sure it’s from annoyance. “I’m happy we’ve got seven weeks together,” I smile, brushing my fingers down his face.

“Alone. Seven weeks together alone,” he says, blinking sleepily.

“Well, alone with your family. And I promised Penny we’d see her at least three times a week.” Baz sighs dramatically, letting himself fall back onto his back, letting go off me. “I’m glad I stopped wanting to kill you,” I smirk down at him, nudging his nose with mine. He laughs. I love Baz’s laugh. It’s slightly hoarse, and whenever he laughs his eyes light up and his nose crinkles. “I’m glad you stopped wanting to kill me too, Simon,” he nods, pushing his fingers through my hair. We’re silent for a moment, our breath mixing and I lean my forehead against his.

“I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.”

My heart swells when Baz whispers that, his fingers on my jaw, his heart beating against mine. I’m happy here. With Baz. I’m happy Baz loves me. And I’m happy that Baz is starting to love himself. I’m happy here, with him. I’m happy with us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for loving this fic as much as I loved writing it x
> 
> If you want to read another of my ASimon and Baz fics, you can click next work and it’ll take you right there!

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments make me v happy
> 
> Also pls drop some feedback in the comments guys, I'm open for suggestions


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